Simpleology Blog

Next to sex, it seems like money is the most controversial aspect of a marriage.

I've got several friends who are married and many of them say they tend to dance around the subject. They also reveal that the only time money gets discussed (or, more accurately, argued about) is when it's running out. "You spend too much!" or "You don't bring home enough!" are familiar refrains in such heated encounters.

Olivia Mellan, a psychotherapist who specializes in resolving money conflicts and author of Overcoming Overspending: A Winning Plan for Spenders and Their Partners, says that couples usually "assume defense styles, or personalities, in relation to money that are direct opposites of each other." Thus, the usual scenario is this: one becomes a worrier and the other one an avoider.

Worriers are tight-fisted with the cash even when they don't have to be. Picture a man or woman who begrudges his or her spouse a tub of gourmet ice cream even on Christmas Day because they have to save every penny possible.

Meanwhile, avoiders usually spend without thinking about the consequences. I offer my own grandfather as an example. He never thought twice about indulging me and my cousins to a fancy dinner at his favorite Italian restaurant. Then again, he'd always get the third-degree from my grandmother because he'd dip into their house fund in order to give us kids a treat.

And, naturally, like many married worriers and avoiders, I don't think my grandparents ever really talked about money directly. I imagine that skirting the cash issue put a damper on many married couples' happily-ever-after.

To maintain domestic bliss, Mellan advises couples to talk about their financial situation. Here are some of her tips on how they can do it:

1. Find a non-stressful time when money is not a loaded issue (not tax season, please).

2. Mention your concerns and fears about your partner's money style.

3. Talk about your goals for the future, short and long-term.

4. Consider making a shared budget or a spending plan together.

5. Set a time to have the next money talk. Aim for weekly conversations in the beginning, then monthly ones.

More importantly, Mellan points out: "Never try to negotiate about money before airing your feelings. Otherwise, negotiations will always break down." Now, that sure sounds way better than yelling at each other about who doesn't bring home enough bacon. Couples who have clashing spending styles should check out Simpleology 102 together. It could easily be the path to "happily-ever-after."