How to Deal with a Toxic Friend (What I Learned After Accidentally Watching Gossip Girl)
By: Bean Jones
I became the designated babysitter of my sister Holly's kids--three girls aged age of 10, 13, and 14--when she and her husband had to attend a formal dinner. I was in the living room quietly typing on my laptop when I became distracted by my nieces arguing over who was "the prettiest" on Gossip Girl.
Up until then, I knew next to nothing about the TV show. My nieces, who had purchased a DVD of the show's first season, gladly filled me in on the intrigue-laden world of teenagers from New York's posh Upper East Side. Call me old-fashioned, but I was disturbed by the tale of "best friends" who habitually stabbed each other in the back. In fact, my nieces even had a word for a fiendish friend: "frenemy."
Have I been living a sheltered life all this time? My friends and I certainly don't enjoy sabotaging each other.
Psychiatrist Dr. Gail Saltz, author of Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back, confirms that toxic friendships indeed exist. "These so-called toxic relationships will drain you and suck up your emotional energy," she says.
As such, friends who are too needy and negative are also classified as toxic. Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends, points out: "Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don't give anything back."
So, just what do you do when you have a "frenemy"?
Dr. Jenn Berman, author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy Confident Kids, suggests the following:
1. Learn to say, "No!" Start taking better care of yourself and forget about pleasing your toxic friend. Don't feel guilty when you refuse to do what he or she asks.
2. Get professional help. A toxic friend might need professional help at some point. Your "frenemy" may act toxic because of a mental disorder of some sort. Do as much as you can to help him or her get in touch with a psychiatrist who can give the appropriate treatment.
3. Call it quits. If your "frenemy" continues to be an emotional vampire even after you've tried everything to help him or her, then it's time for you to cut your losses and walk away. You also have to think of yourself.
As for my nieces, I hope that the only "frenemies" they encounter are fictional ones. Even a well-meaning uncle can't do much if they choose to hang out with friends who are really enemies in disguise.
Comments
I'm a pretty positive person overall, but I find this trend by some of our younger generation disturbing. I have three boys and I've talked with them about this, and even though I feel they don't have "frenemies" they generally just shrug it off when seeing it on TV shows.
What about toxic family? Consciously rejecting behaviors and beliefs from past learning and then seeing it in other family members who are not learning that guilt or worry are toxifying their relationships. It's hard to walk away from family.
Loved the blog on a toxic friend. I have just went througha crisis with a toxic friend that cost me
$50,000, damage to my credit, and personal humiliation.
I had a friend like that and I kicked her to the curb. We were both on our way up. She was offered a great magazine spot and I was headed to NYC and all she wanted me to do was work on her stuff! Don`t think so... She never appear on the mag. I went to NYC and kicked butt. She had some major abandonment and paranoid issues. Hope she is well!
I love that term 'frenemy', I have to remember that one. I had a friend like this when I was younger, we called him the 'friendly foe'.
I have a toxic sister. It took me many years to understand where she was coming from and I came to the point where I had to decided - can I take another 20-30 years of this backbiting and stick around just because she's my sister, or do I walk away from this toxic relationship. I walked away and have never felt better in my life. Toxic relationships between family members aren't very easy to identify and when you do, it's not easy to walk away - but it's sometimes very necessary.
A good "strategy" to eliminate toxicity from a relationship with toxic/negative person is to maintain your "positive" attitude and not "buy" into their negativity. This is like robbing 'fuel' from a fire it will eventually go out if you don't feed it. The toxic person may accuse you of not being "supportive" if you refuse to become part of their 'pity-parties'. They may cut you off but if you're strong and stand your ground they will eventually seek your advice. When they do you can recommend professional help in the form of a clinical counsellor or other mental health care provider. Negative energy begets negative//positive begets positive! You're strength may be the first step in changing a vicious circle negativity and sadness.
Great article! Remember that before thought, before feeling, before action we have a foundation (like it or not) of CONDITIONING that has such power over everything in our lives. Seek YOUR truth and live YOUR life and you'll be able to spot toxic people miles away.
Thanks for the advice. Very handy.
That is so very true but how does one walk away from the negative person when he is the one you most love in the whole world.
Life wasn't meant to be easy just get stronger and help them and love them I say.Never give up on the person.Negative or positive each person is precious and has great potential.
Patrick I don`t think that works-I tried it and it felt a lot like throwing a life saver to someone who really wanted to drown. I got accoused of not wanting to listen to her rants when I just wanted out. Misery loves company, no?
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I HAVE COME ACROSS SUCH PHRASE TOXIC FRIENDS AND FRENEMIES, HATS OFF FOR THE AUTHOR WHO MADE US REALISE SOME FRIENDS WHO DOES HARM MORE RATHER THAN GOOD.
SO TRUE! I've had a frenemy since elementary school ( about 15 years now) who didn't start being weird til late high school. After she moved away, she did what someone commented - I didn't buy into her negativity, she called me too positive & just 'needed my support, not advice'; when I didn't give it to her she lashed out on me. Then a week later she'd want to talk again like she was sorry, etc. Over & over, so I called it quits & she'd repeat the cycle so I just quit replying to her. Now she still emails to let me know when she's in town, to 'hang out'.. *rolls eyes* :p
Toxic friends can be exhausting! But we also need to ask ourselves - are we toxic sometimes?
xoxo Gossip Girl
I had to stop the toxic friend on the inside before I could deal with it on the outside.
My favorite frenemy is one that constantly calls me when she needs free work done for her company - she will call my home and cell many times.....I got tired of helping her out with re-writes, analysis and PR and finally told her NO when she asked me to write a grant this time, and she accused me of trying to sabotage her. LOL Amazing how frenemys never see themselves the way others do - now comes the complaining to mutual friends about me. Wish I had known about this years ago before I got suckered in.
It may be painful to let go off toxic friends but sometimes it can really change your life ... for the better ... also, as your life improves without the toxic friend to hold you back, perhaps they will become aware of what's going on and realize that they need to change as well :)
I think the same as Lisa when she said about dealing with the toxic person on the inside. Like attracts like... to finish i will share this...LOVE PEOPLE USE THINGS...God Bless Love You
I have learned a prayer from my Healing School.
It goes like this:
I....(state full name), ask God ( Higher Power,etc), to cut any and all the psychic ties that exist between me and.....( my toxic friend)...state the name of the toxic friend).
These psychic ties are now lovingly cut, loved, healed, lifted, released and let go into the light of love and truth. Thank you God and so it is.
Use this prayer for any unwanted thought, person, habits behaviors, and even with someone you love so that you do not get entangled with your psychic hooks or energy hooks.
Use it everyday as often as you want to.
You wll feel less irritable and less affected by this person, behavior, habits, or thoughts.
cheers.
Ruby
YOU CAN RISE ABOVE IT.
Learn to associate with more positive thinking people. Get busy with developing your own life and career. Your future will be determined by the choices you make each and every day.
A leech will gradualy destroy a part of you, if not all.
The most toxic of our friends, as this article unknowingly points out, is the TV set itself. Over and over we see examples of toxic, hateful, bickering realtionships and it rubs off on us and makes us that way. It is the garbage on TV that poisons our minds. It also keeps us from greater achievement becuse we are wasting time staring at the eye of Satan instead of doing something useful...
they do exist and the best way to deal with them is to make them understand well your grounds.i have one,and she clearly knows when i mean no its NO.Wen say i cant do something for her i just cant.she usually goes and comes back always.it takes time to realise that she is actually selfish.
I have experienced this with a family member whom I love deeply. Like the others before me, I wish I had realized this long back. However, even though I knew that this person was misusing me/taking advantage of my love for him, I had to and did help him because this person really needed my help. Recently, however, in the last couple of years, I had to put my foot down and refused to be taken for a ride any longer. However, I did help the family to the maximum extent without getting involved anymore than I had to and allowed them to find their feet, for themselves, rather than depending on me for everything, without ever giving either me or my family credit for what we were doing for them. Now, I feel much happier. Like the others I too realized that that person, nay, the whole family was just plain selfish. I pray to God to keep them well and happy.
I have a frenemy who talks excessive, never lets anyone get a word in edgewise, interrupts conversations, and always thinks her thoughts and ideas are superior to anyone else'. She not only has a motor-mouth, but she talks in a loud voice; she disregards the opinions and thoughts of others and always plays "one-up-manship games" she always has a story or a person she knows who can outdo others mentioned. I believe she has a serious case of ADHD; most of her four children take medication for ADHD. I suspect that she also has medication, but doesn’t take it on a regular basis. She says he husband (now deceased) was bi-polar and she, the husband, and their children are all exceptionally brilliant. She is a smart person, but certainly not the smartest person I have ever encountered; her kids are also smart, but I wouldn't consider them exceptional. She is a kind person and can be very helpful, but her behavior is difficult to deal with.
I took her to a meeting with me recently and was totally exhausted for three days afterwards with a bad headache from her constant jabber and rambling. I could hardly drive the cars because her continuous chatter was so distracting. I told her that she needed to calm down and/or take some tranquilizers, but she laughs it off. I told her that I had a hard time getting a word into a conversation and she says she is sorry, she knows she talks too much, but then she resumes after about a minute. I cannot stand her when she is like this, which is getting to be most of the time. I like her and respect her opinions and comments, but I think her behavior is abusive to me and she doesn't seem likely or inclined to do anything about it. She is a teacher and I don't know how she can be successful at this, when she won't allow or consider comments or suggestions from others.
The only time she is actually quiet is during a film or a play or a formal presentation. Even attending a musical with her, she rambled during the entire overture. I have decided that I cannot continue to be abused by this frenemy and that my relationship with this person is unhealthy and drains all of my energy. I cannot continue to relate to this person on a one-on-one basis. I think my emotional and physical health will improve greatly if I seriously limit my association with her.
Toxicity can be a real problem for the ordinary Joe. Man or woman.
Lloyd Kaufman co-founder of Troma Entertainment thought so. Perhaps 'The Toxic Avenger' was the result of his early desire to be a social worker and his obsession with cinema. A great mix, like concrete and boots.
Think deep, dig deeper. Waste nothing. There's always a place for a toxic friend.
Elaine B. I do really agree with you! Patrick's advice sounds very attractive and is actually what I am trying to do in real life, yet the result is always the one you described... So I guess it is better to limit the interaction.
Elaine B. I do really agree with you! Patrick's advice sounds very attractive and is actually what I am trying to do in real life, yet the result is always the one you described... So I guess it is better to limit the interaction.
The saddest one is the spouse. It took me 18 years to figure it out- and then I left with 6 kids. One of the posters remarked "there's always a place for a toxic friend." Maybe so- but when you live with the toxic friend, it's hell on earth.
Life is like ajigsaw sometimes we so desperatley want to fit in with people we try to mould ourpiece to fit where we think it should whereas really we just need to keep looking for our own natural place one where we are truly ourselves Sometimes we are toxic sometimes it is our friends but really it is just toxicity Whatever has happened it is a lesson we can be grateful for and then move onwards
Of course another option is to think about something pleasant and nod your head while they are getting their chemical fix from their negative blurting.
After experiencing too many toxic "frenemies" too name. I finally "got it".The author is absolutely correct. Cut off all ties! the users and abusers and parasites will find other victims.They won't call anymore when they can't use you.I know firsthand the damages that can rendered unto the caring , giving , listening individual. I am now seeking only positive,giving, unselfish, down -to-earth individuals.The toxics don't get any more of my time and it's not television that inspires this behavior. Don't you offer any of them scape goats.The people have learned to be users, and selfish . Stay away from them! Leave them the hell alone and the hell will leave your life... It will!
At 18 years of marriage, my husband became addicted to prescription pain killers. He was distant, paranoid, depressed, anxiety stricken and barely able to work. I was forced to go back to work to earn enough money for his medical, prescription, and physciatry bills. Finally, 5 long years later he is somewhat sober, still taking anti-depressent and anxiety medication. I keep hoping his personality will come back, but it hasn't. His thoughts of something bad is going to happen consumes his every thought, every day. And, he is convinced I am plotting to leave the marriage even though there have been far better reasons and opportunities than now. He is such a downer -and the sky is always falling. I am so tired of allowing my mental well being to hinge on his particular emotional moment. He has spent our family into the poor house, so much so we do not have any more money left for any sort of treatment. I am totally at my wits end, and our now 13 year old son does not even know his daddy because he wasn't emotionally available to him for so many years. He is not necessarily physically abusive, nor is he necessarily verbally abusive, however, what he does to my mind is debilitating. I find myself overwhelmed, depressed and lonely most of the time because of his self obsessed thoughts and actions. What does one do when the toxic person is their husband of 23 years? As a practicing Christian, I took my vows for better or worse, but when does one need to save themselves. Is it 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, more or never save yourself for your reward will be in heaven? Any ideas from anyone who has had similar experiences?
I'm 40 years old and am struggling with a toxic "best friend". I live in a tiny town and I have enjoyed the close friendship of an immediate neighbor for over 6 years. Prior to our friendship, I had few friends here, as I am a newcomer to the area. She has introduced me to 90% of my closest friends. Our children are best buddies. I say this so that you will understand what is "at stake" with our friendship. Over the years, I've kind of laughed off her competitiveness and negativity. She is so generous, but to a fault. I simply cannot keep up--her generosity with her time exhausts her and severely cuts into her family time. Unfortunately, she expects the same from me. Frankly, my top priority is my family, but I'd do just about anything my friends needed--I love them all. This same friend routinely screams at her children, complains publically about her husband, and quite often complains or gossips about friends and aquaintances. However, she has many friends--but we've always chuckled that we didn't want to "get on her bad side!" So, now, I'm on her bad side. And it is ugly. She perceived a slight during a lighthearted, friendly phone conversation I had with her. She called a mutual friend in tears. The friend informed me of the situation, because she knew that I'm not a mean person and would never intentionally hurt her feelings. I immediately called and told her how sorry I was, that the comment I made to her was totally misunderstood, and I treasure her friendship. She agreed that she was a little too sensitive, and I thought all was well. I have since been approached by a handful of mutual friends who tell me that she has been rebroadcasting how hurtful I was to her.I've made every effort to call her, visit with her, and she acts as if everything is fine. Friends continue to approach, however,to inform me of "new" ways in which I have slighted her. Even my friends try to tell her that she is "out in left field" and that I'm neither saying or doing anything that could be the taken as unfriendly. She is finding fault with everything I do or say--or don't do or say--and has been complaining about me for nearly a month now. Now she has entered a stage of ignoring me when I wave or even try to speak to her, she continues badmouthing me, and this is making our mutual friends quite uncomfortable. I'm tired of the highschool drama and games, so I just want to accept her pulling back from the friendship and just let it dissolve . However, all of my friends are her friends. She can't be avoided. I admittedly have thin skin and cannot stand being talked about negatively, even though my friends don't seem to be affected by her, yet. I miss her friendship, honestly. I miss her kids. This has been my closest friend, so she knows many of my deepest, darkest secrets, and I am concerned with her vindictiveness. I've been a frequent target of her criticism in the last 2 years, but I've never really addressed it, because it always went away. This time, I am mad. I want to end the drama, but I don't know how without escalating the drama.
Can anyone advise?
Kimberly, after what you've disclosed, your "best friend" certainly doesn't seem like such a friend to me. I think you should meet up with her face to face. But don't meet her alone. Bring along a couple of other people who can be objective mediators for this long-running debacle.
In any case, make sure that you make your invitation to her known to everyone. If she doesn't agree to meet up with you to clear the air, then that's that. Sometimes we meet people who don't really want a resolution. Perhaps time will resolve this conflict you're in.
For now, I suggest that you stay civil and just steer clear of this ex-friend of yours.
Be polite and don't give in to any bad thoughts. Be mad, but don't do anything you'd regret.
I hope my humble opinion helps somehow.
I have had a "frenemy". I've recently had to end the "friendship" due to the fact she started some rumors that affected my marriage.She, however, cannot accept that I want nothing to do with her and has gotten another one of her friends to write things about me on myspace. I have just chosen to ignore it because honestly, it's not worth my time.