Simpleology Blog

That is good to hear... It makes sense to at least do something about a situation then to let it boil up inside causing physical and mental stress.

Wow, what an awesome article! I to agree, that anger can get a lot of things done! My counselor once told me when dealing with a significant other I was dealing with and wanted out of my home...to make my decision and stick to it..I said "I am unable, he talks me out of and makes me melt and the only time I could do this is if I were angry!" the counselor was like "well, you should be angry when you kick him out" Well, all in all...I made my decision and the only way to get this guy out of my house was to get really angry and become a broken record by saying and replying to anything he said with "get out of my house!" I did it! I was angry, but VERY proud of my self! Kudos to you for standing up to your neighbor...has he followed through?

Thanks for that article!
Heather

This was a very timely posting for me. I used to think that anger was just a release valve that I "shouldn't need" if I were balanced and in control. I'm learning that it is a tool to help us get certain jobs done so we can move on with our lives and keep focused on creating the circumstances we desire! This was a fun illustration of a significant understanding.

Flying off the handle solves nothing long term for you or others. It feeds your emotional reference points system and will guide you to similar situations.

Pretending to fly off the handle as a method that some people will respond to, might work. Send love to the person you scolded as soon as you done with him!

Doc Wellbeing

superb anger or show of it solves some problems but also create many ,Newton channelized his anger and kept his cool to progress

In all the instances referred to, anger is feigned under counsel and is not real anger. This looks very good. Well done. You are not the emotional or hormonal victim of your own anger as the recoiling ills are attached only to spontaneous anger.

Experts like this -- with such misguided advice -- serve as a harsh reminder just how deep into the dark the human consciousness has descended.

Anger, whether suppressed or expressed, is always a destructive force. Always. There are no exceptions under the sun.

How do you know? Because anger always leaves you as either the victim or the victor. And whether you come out as the victim or the victor, one thing is certain: you will ALWAYS exit the situation with an enemy (even when the person bends to your desire, apologizes, praises your pseudo-strength, etc., etc.).

Having even one enemy in life means you must live with a secret resentment or hatred.

Sure, expressed anger might help you get your way, but what you gain in temporary relief and satisfaction through winning the "trophy of the moment" comes with a destructive cost that I wouldn't wish onto any person on the planet.

Notice sometime after having vented your anger that it leaves you strangely isolated from the person you've gotten angry at. I don't mean physically isolated (though that's likely to happen too), but rather psychologically isolated. What you win is a "me against them" mentality. It is this very same "me against them" state of mind that is the root of all conflict.

For example, it looks out at what other people have and instantaneously creates its own misery by thinking to itself, "If only I could get what that other person has, then I would finally be happy." (an equally painful state that creates just as much health-harming stress and anxiety as the anger itself)

Instead of suppressing or expressing your anger, consider a third choice: Perhaps it's possible to understand the root of anger so thoroughly that it ceases to be a problem for you personally. That would be true freedom... and that would be real peace... not flimsy, imaginary, airy-fairy peace, but rather a peace born of understanding... the only kind that cannot be touched in any way whatsoever by the assaults of this world!

Well that last comment sure made a lot of sense. I hope both approaches can somehow be true.

Righteous anger. Is there such a thing? Or is anger always fuel for a fire of disharmony?

In the original article, perhaps it was the only way to get to read those magazines in an unadulterated state. What then is the next move in their relationship? A few days later, angry man approaches magazine thief with some kind of disarming honesty, perhaps: "It felt pretty good being able to tell you how I felt about you reading my magazines the other day. Are you OK with it or is there something you wanted to say to me?"

That could work.

Tim's post was nice and the result of a rather evolved soul I think.
Don't think opening it up again is a good idea tho! He's probably thought of whole lot of things he'd wished he'd said at the time.No?
There's a time and place for placating and expressing angst. The trick is to know when and how to do it appropriately.

My doctor told me when I was still in my 20's that getting mad and yelling is one of the healthest things you can do. Fortunately, I was raised in a family where I was allowed to yell, and even yell back. I have never associated yelling with violence, and I think that's the reason. My parents and I never held a grudge, and once the 10 seconds of yelling was over, it was over and not rehashed or criticized or held over my head.

I once had a boyfriend who never yelled. He was raised in an abusive home and not allowed to yell. Whenever he'd get angry he'd get really quiet and his voice would drop so low I could barely hear him. And I always found that way more scary than just a good yell.

The not yelling also created a problem for me because I'd never know when he was angry until he was so angry that he was seething. When he'd just make a statement, I had no way of gauging how important it was to him. That created more problems than 5 seconds of yelling ever could. He'd say something that I thought was just a simple comment or suggestion, and unless he'd bring it up again, I had no way of guessing that what he was saying was of more importance to him than his tone, body language, and manner told me.

So, yes, learn to yell...and be yelled at. Especially if you have kids. Allowing your kids to show you how they feel - healthy, non-violent yelling is a way of expressing your feelings - is one of the most important lessons you will ever teach them.

I am of the belief that all "negative" emotion boils down to one thing...fear. Yes, always speak your truth directly to the person who got your dander up in some way, as keeping it bottled up is not healthy at all. I was never allowed to speak my truth growing up and around age 50, my voice was giving out completely. I went to a specialist, who told me I had one giant polyp on my vocal chord which had started to attach itself to the other vocal chord. He said that it was pink and looked to be healthy, but he would need to biopsy it anyway. As he started to tell me all of the risks, I stopped him and told him that he would perform the surgery flawlessly, so much so that when I saw him a week later, he would hardly be able to see where he had performed the surgery. Sure enough, that was the case and I can sing and talk and do all the things I had forgotten how to (after learning how to use my voice with out straining all the time). A person can only make you angry if you let them. At the end of the day, I would like to be happy more than be right.

I think there are many misconceptions about anger. Anger is a feeling, not a behavior. If we deny or repress or intellectualize away the feeling, then it can control our behaviors. If we honestly acknowledge, accept and experience the feeling, we can then choose the best course of action. Anger can be the result of issues, but it can also tell us things. I intellectualized my anger for years, (i'm not perfect either, it's no big deal, etc.) that I became a doormat. The only way I know that my boundaries are being violated is when I feel a vague anger telling me. Then I can choose to let the person know that whatever they did is not ok. If it continues, I can choose to be a door mat or limit my contact. Feeling are not right or wrong. Sure the unlying feeling my be fear, but so what? It is still calling my attention to something I need to address, resolve, admit or sometimes just experience. It take courage to experience your feelings. It's much easier and self righteous to intellectualize them away. Besides, feelings are the language of our Soul or Spirit. I find my life is much better when I pay attention to the message.

It helps to have a really good relationship with the person you are focusing your anger at. Usually the other person will be open to resolving the conflict if you tell them how they upset you. I understand the concept of healthy anger. I also understand the concept of feeling guilty when you lose your temper. Anger was never allowed in my home because one of my older brothers was handicapped. We were supposed to be good examples. Well, it isn't easy carrying that responsibility around and we still lose our tempers occasionally. But...the good thing is nobody tells us how bad we are now. My brother and I both think it's ok to get mad, apologize and get over it. Better than resentment and blocked communication.

Perhaps whether anger helps or not depends on whether the person is "getting it off of his or her chest" or "obsessing and building a case". Some studies say that men tend to get more riled up and release more cortisol (testosterone?) while women release cortisol initially then oxytocin, the peacemaking, negotiating hormone.

So,it may behoove us not to "tell our woes" to others who have emotional ties to us, but if we're going to howl, do it at the moon or with someone who is impartial.

The real trick is to see why our buttons get pushed and how we can heal those sore spots.

There is a difference between occasional justified anger and chronic nastiness many people employ on a regular basis.
These nasty people we are forced to deal with on a regular basis are what make me angry.

No one can make you angry.

Anger is an internal condition. Angry people around you are symptoms of this condition.

Doc Wellbeing

Interesting process. I would have offered the guy the magazines when I was finished with them, if he promised to let me read them first. I'm always trying to find good homes for my magaizines when i finish them.

I would have found the neighbor borrowing the magazines really scary. If he doesn't understand the boundaries of private property, what's next - breaking into your house because he wants to "borrow" your money?

Unfortunately, in this type of situation if I'd have gotten angry with him, it would have been out of fear. Then I'd have been even more fearful for confronting him because if he doesn't understand that you don't borrow other people's things without permission, then he seems dangerous.

Getting angry and confronting someone who seems dangerous would scare me, and that would make me more angry at myself - not because I was in the wrong, but because I'd then worry that I may have triggered an even worse reaction from the guy than his just "borrowing" the magazines.

Even one of the worlds most peaceful people, The Dalia Lama, is said to get angry yet his while life how much he is against violence.

So it is interesting to read that people who vent their anger in a nonviolent way are "mentally healthy individuals."

Be angry at the thing they did As suggested offer the person the mags after you finish..Love the person hate the crime.communication is the key. look for solutions. Being angry puts fuel on the fire..Look for the water bucket.

I guess there are different levels of anger: the mildly angry, medium range angry, very angry, mad angry, and lastly is the violently angry. I too would have my fits but many times when I am so angry and it gets bottled up inside me, tears start to show - which gives an impression of weakness but on the inside I'm controlling myself so much that if I didn't I (also) have a tendency to throw things around, or say something nasty. And to avoid any further hurting insults, I simply walk away until I'm less angry.

interesting way Bean has got a forum going on how we handle anger!!!!

It would be helpful to distinguish between anger and resentment.

True anger follows from internal sentences and beliefs demanding that the world go your way. (How dare that person cross ME !) It is an unrealistic demand and the one who gets angry shows a lack of humility. The throwing things, or impulse to break something, is not a class act.

A mild resentment, on the other hand, is mentally healthy; it serves as an alert that something needs to be done, some problem needs to be solved; or that some injustice has occurred.

Then feigning anger by a slight raising of the voice during a complaint, showing a slight exasperation, will often get results but it is not as desirable as a creative solution, a win-win arrangement, such as the one Carrie suggested: an offer following a promise by the other party to let you be the first to read your own magazines; and seeing what he thinks of the idea, as you discuss it.
You might even state the problem and ask him how to solve it.
That would be far better than lowering yourself to the level of those Neanderthals who frequently show disrespect, who "put people down."

I belive no one can make u angry unless u permit him/her. Being angry is healthy and safe provided it is without violence

My concern in offering the borrow the magazines after Bean reads them is that it's making the borrower feel his behaviour is ok. This might encourage him to take it another step further, either with Bean or with someone else. If he takes too far with someone who handles anger in a violent way, the borrow might find out in a most unpleasant, even dangerous, way just what it's like to be on the receiving end of fury, rath, and violent anger.

Hi, everyone!

I'm happy to report that my neighbor no longer "borrows" my magazines. My building superintendent says he's the kind of man who needs to be told not to do certain things. The previous tenant of my apartment (a young lady who was a med student) also had a run-in with him, as he kept ringing her doorbell for one reason or another. Nothing dangerous...but I'm told she hated it because there was a day when she couldn't sleep straight or study in peace because he rang several times in a matter of hours.

I don't believe in violence...but I do believe in speaking up when I'm uncomfortable about a situation. Though my neighbor may have thought that going through a person's stuff without asking for permission is OK...I think it's rather rude. But I never had any violent urges. I just got mad and that's that. I'm "territorial" about reading matter.

But that's just me. I may sometimes "talk tough" or get downright crabby...but I've realized that I don't want to use force to prove a point. I'll write about how I came to this decision one of these days.

Thanks to all and please keep reading. I am honored that you all spend a few minutes to read my posts. It's great to hear your thoughts--whether you agree with me or not.

I'm glad you posted your follow-up post, Bean. I'm a bit late to this post but I am glad I had the chance to read all the comments before posting my own response.

I must confess to being a tiny bit angry with one of the more self-righteous sounding comments earlier in this thread (which was probably well-intentioned but misapplied); but this itself nicely illustrates a point about anger—sometimes it is good to pause a while before acting in the moment of anger while all the time acknowledging that you fully intend to do something about it so that you do not internalize the angry feelings. Waiting a few moments until most of the heated angry feelings subside nearly always results in a clearer picture of how you would like to respond rather than responding in a way that you know you would later regret.

Having waited a few minutes to post a response on this blog has result in a much more constructive (I hope!) comment than the one I would have originally written. I am able to express my feelings in a much more constructive way and use them to make a helpful point. :)

"Loving anger" is an entirely different animal to "hateful anger" and it is vitallly important to distinguish between the two.

The best advice on anger I personally have found comes the New Testament. In it we have an example of someone who is called by many the "Prince of Peace" yet we are told he got angry at one point, turning over the tables of those who had turned the temple of God into a money-making venture. Some may criticize this response and say he should not have got angry or acted so harshly but I personally believe it was a justified, well thought-out and measured response to a situation that was clearly wrong and required action (not words)—in fact, Jesus was only enforcing the law that the temple custodians seemed unwilling to do themselves.

I don't think anyone who makes any kind of serious contribution to the betterment of mankind has achieved much without getting angry at some point and using that to push them to do something. I have often heard great, righteous people saying they decided to act when the saw something and "got angry".

Those who condemn anger in all its forms are often those who are often (in my observation) more concerned about the *appearance* of spirituality (and with what others think of *them*) than in true spirituality, which is actually loving one's neighbour enough to go out and do something to help those in need.

The fact that Jesus himself got angry while people knew him after as a man of peace encourages me to believe that anger, in certain forms, *is* OK—what some people call "righteous anger"—the kind that is born out of a sense of injustice and a desire to rectify it.

Again, any kind of anger is best acted on after pause and reflection. Take some time out to ensure your actions are not based on temporal, unreliable feelings but a true analysis of the situation and a measured response out of a desire to correct a wrong situation. Even a brief reflection of a few seconds is enough when an immediate response is necessary. A deep inhalation of breath has often resulted in a completely different course of action in times when I've felt angry. Many marvellous creative thoughts replace essentially negative, destructive ones when your brain is filled with a sudden rush of oxygen!

We should allow ourselves the benefit of anger (which is a drive to act or accomplish a good deed or correct a wrong) without the negative consequences (which is the destructive influence of hormones on our bodies and the potentially destructive influence, to ourselves and others, of acting rashly and without thought for consequence).

Finally, again from the New Testament, the advice from the apostle when he wrote to the Ephesian church saying, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger". The message he gave was not that it was a sin to be angry but that anger can lead to sin. Be angry when you should be angry (who would not get angry to see a child mistreated?) but do not let it lead to sin. Do not let your anger continue overnight—for the sake of your health and for the sake of not putting off doing the right thing and correcting the wrong.

As far as your abusive neighbour is concerned, Bean, I believe you did the right thing by confronting and had you not done so you would have deprived this man of an important life-lesson. In retrospect, if I found myself in the same situation, the only thing I would do differently (and as a general caveat—never threaten to do something you are not willing to follow through with) I would not have threatened to sue (only because I know I would not have followed it through and I might not have known if the person could bear the consequences if I did) but I would probably have threatened to contact the police, reminding him that what he is doing is illegal and stealing. I would also explain to him that, if only he had asked me first, I could have given/leant the magazines to him after I had finished. The result would be constructive—he not only learns that his action is wrong but that there is nearly always an alternative way to get what you want without being abusive—an important lesson people like him probably have never learned from their childhood. (I would then only offer him the magazines if, and ONLY if, his behaviour improves—which would reward and encourage good behaviour.)

The above, of course, (and it goes for all the comments above) it is easy to theorize about what one would do when one is not actually in an abusive situation; it is not always so easy when you do find yourself in one.

Hi, Mark Jones!

(Interesting name. You have my boss' first name and my last name.)

In retrospect, I think I would have really sued him--but only because I have a friend who's a lawyer.

But, yeah, the whole bit about the police would be more believable. I'm just lucky my legal action warning worked on him.

The Mark Jones comments are so good that all I can add is that is how I try to handle my anger. I'm okay with getting angry over an injustice; I just be sure that I pause before I respond, and that the response is never dangerous or hurtful. I agree that anger can be a catalyst to action for improving a situation that needs changed...how else would we ever get politicians to do anything if our anger didn't propel us to work for a cause we believe in?

I too enjoyed Mark's comment - thanks!

I think the "Church" has in many ways taught is to repress anger (either directly or indirectly) and perhaps has prevented many from being better able to process anger in constructive ways, when in fact, as Mark points out Jesus Himself expressed anger in an appropriate and controlled way.

Repressing anger and its sister, frustration, can lead to all sorts of emotional, physical and relational problems, for sure.

In my life coaching, I teach that it is healthy to have some practical form of expressing anger, in a way which doesn't impact on other people. One of the best is to have a regular thrash into a boxing bag! Put the bag on the ground, kneel in front of it, and start slowly hitting it with a downward swinging movement,alternating each arm, with the end of your hand (clenched fist) opposite your thumb (in the same way as you would "thump the desk").

As you warm up, gradually increase the intensity, and if you can, let out some vocal "venting" as well.

Finally increase the intensity so you're totally giving that bag everything you've got, and mentally, pour out any anger you have in your mind at the same time! After several minutes (depending on how fit you are!) you'll be physically and perhaps mentally exhausted - great stuff.

Try doing this once a week or more frequently if you have anger as an issue, and you should find the day-to-day experience of anger rising will decline and diminish.