Take It From the Experts: Nice Guys and Gals Will Rule the World!
By: Bean Jones
I'm a regular commuter and I've seen a lot of people get nasty while in transit. There are those who shove like mad at rush hour and those who "steal" the cabs you hail. But before you despair entirely, be assured there are still some kind souls out there.
The other day for example, I saw a young woman give her cab to an old man. As the cab sped off with the grateful gentleman, the young woman's friend, who was standing on the sidewalk with her, said irritably, "You can't be too kind all the time!"
Was the young woman's friend right?, I wondered. Is being kind all the time really a bad thing?
In the past, I myself have been guilty of chiding some of my friends for being "too nice." After all, in this highly competitive world we live in, we're taught to believe that nice guys and gals always finish last.
So, I decided to do a little research into the concept and it turns out several experts have undertaken studies that prove nice guys and gals may very well rule the world. Here's why:
1. They take control. In Kindness: Changing People's Lives for the Better, Zelig Pliskin, an Orthodox rabbi, says that being kind "helps you feel in control." By doing a good deed, you're saying, "Here's something I can do to make the world better."
2. They're on a high. Each time you do a kind deed, you get "a rush of endorphins that lasts for hours," says trainer Kimberly Kingsley, author of The Energy Cure: How to Recharge Your Life 30 Seconds at a Time. (By the way, this endorphin surge is aptly named "helper's high.")
3. They're the fittest. Allan Luks, the former executive director of the Institute for the Advancement of Health, undertook a kindness study for his book, The Healing Power of Doing Good: The Health and Spiritual Benefits of Helping Others. His survey of 3,000 volunteer workers revealed that these kindhearted people were able to overcome health problems--like ulcers, respiratory ailments, and stress--right after they played Good Samaritan.
Still, you must keep in mind that the acts of kindness that you do should really matter. "Passing out smiley-face stickers or leaving lucky pennies on the sidewalk may not yield fulfillment," says University of Virginia psychologist Jonathan Haidt, author of The Happiness Hypothesis. Thus, he recommends choosing deeds that strengthen social ties. After all, as he put it, "it's really all about building relationships."
So, the next time I hear someone getting flak for being "too kind," I'll step in and set the record straight. The world needs all the nice people it can get.
Comments
I can definitely relate to the "they're on a high". Everytime I go out of my way to help someone else, I get the rush that you mention in your post that does indeed sometime last for hours. It's a great feeling that's for sure.
I endorse these comments wholeheartedly. One can never be too kind. Remember - what you give out - comes back to you TENFOLD!!
Nice isn't weak. There is a difference between being nice and being a door mat. When a client is having a bad day what harm is there in listening? It may take an extra 10 minutes of your valuable time, but that client will remember that 10 minutes for ever. Keeping your language soft (no profanities, negative speach) doesn't take extra time but is always noticed. These are the traits that are thought of first when looking for business people, not the guy who is productive but doesn't get the emotional part down.
I aggree.
Bean,
This is just a confirming that the meek (wise not weak) shall inherit the earth.
Everything that we need to survive in this world is given to us for free ,once this becomes obvious to anyone to give becomes normal and the universe rewards you for recognising your role . That is why you feel good.The more you do it (give ,help,encourage )the greater your life will be .Thats how the universe works.
Hi Bean
the 'Helpers High' is a real thing and works for me every time. If you can help someone first thing in the morning, it can last all day
Thank You! What a refreshing blogpost. I have always lived by the philosophy that being kind is the ONLY way to live. Although it may "seem" that people who are constantly shoving and pushing to get their share of the world's pie finish first, most of them actually wind up choking in it! Be nice, it makes you feel good, raises your self-esteem and it does wonders for the world in general!
What a fantastic mode of spreading the essence and benefits of kindess!!! Needless to say, it's a great means of promoting kindness... to make our world brighter, healthier, nicer, and a lot better every opportunity that comes our way!!!
Maria Chona N. Tapucar
www.simplechangesforanamazinglife.com
No doubt about it, the experts are right. Never mind what the recepient feels, it is the giver that really gets the benefit. I am a long distance runner and I know all about endorphins and the wonderful feeling they give you. I get the exact same feeling when I help somebody and, if they appreciate it, then that is a huge bonus. Sometmes people want to do something in return. I always say "maybe you can do something for someone else". I think the "play it on" can change the world. Every act of kindness makes the world a better place.
Don Watson
Being nice improve morals of good people,ends and disarm enimies,kills envey
and make you feel a whole better about living.
Humen are social animals,being nice open endless doors
Being nice will always come back around when you need it most not when you expect it to but just when you need it most we live in a microwave generation wanting all things now but the universe and The kingdom of god have different timing then we do remeber 1000 years is but 1 day to god so remeber none of us gets around karma or the law of sowing and reaping
Hey Bean,
The only time bad guys' and gals rule the word is when the word Bizkit and the song "Nookie" arouse our senses.
Now I agree with you indeed, do to logic being kind always beats being a jerk relationship wise. Being a jerk isn't usual, therefore, there is easier money and more attention for Internet marketing for example.
Being a jerk is entertainment, however, it isn't tolerated by society for leading positions. A role I have been thinking greatly for my next marketing ploys.
Thanks to kindness, George Bush keeps winning elections.
Thanks for the recommendation of "The Energy Cure: How to Recharge Your Life 30 Seconds at a Time.", it means latte' and Borders for me in a few hours.
Joe
Thanks for this! It's motivated me to make my first comment. What I've experienced in my relationship is that when I simply do nice things because I want to there is no 'downside'. One the contrary, kindness expands.
Here's an example: I started washing up the dirty dishes at my boyfriend's house regardless of whether they are mine, his or ours. Now, make no mistake, we often do this together, but just as often we are both busy or tired or other activities are afoot and they get left. So - who should clean?
I just decided that if I'm there (and he's not, or busy) and I want it clean... I clean it. Period. Feminism be damned. Instead of keeping score, I pay attention to what I really want right in the moment and act on it (would it simply be nice if this were all clean, or do I want him to notice and/or thank me or show me HE cares by cleaning up?)
Anyway, end result, not only do I feel all sorts of good feelings, as your article suggests, but without my having said anything, he is now cleaning up more, not only at his place but also at mine.
Now, on the footnote, I suppose the reason I have not done this in the past is I told myself, "He'll get used to it and stop doing anything. And anyway it's not fair... etc." Yet, strangely, that just hasn't happened. Maybe it's like Haidt said, "it's all about building relationships." And frankly, what's the worst case? I spent a little extra of my time, enjoyed a clean environment and then maybe had to part company with someone seeing that we aren't compatible on cleanliness. That doesn't sound like a huge disaster.
In this case, kindness led to more kindness and a deepening, caring, relationship that's going strong. Can we be 'too kind'? Hey, I'm only just learning to let out my own natural loving kindness.
love,
Elese
Nice people may be nice because they have reaped the benefit of their actions, i.e. "What goes around comes around"!
Hear hear! Now if we could only get the lady-folk to agree... >__>
No preachment fella,crazy observations and some very astute musing,are you grateful for the platform you have? When you seen some of the things that I have you either concede that individually we are very insignificant,but the thoughts we harbor are immensely powerful,or you dismiss it at your peril. Accurate thinkers have always known the truth! Peace and love everyone,let us All spread more tolerance.
"The Cat".
I agree that kndness gives
the most exhilirating feeling to the giver. Those who don't know ths should try it! Keep it up !!!
Hi,
It is so nice and refreshing to have read your article on nice guys and gals! Living in New York City can sometimes takes its toll on a person. I've always tried to help others when ever possible, but lately I've been starting to ask what is the point? Your story has given me a much needed boost and reminder of the importance of extending a helping hand when ever possible.
Thankyou!
Richard
I believe you are only telling half the story... the other half lays in firmness. Not either/or but both at the same time. Think of it as mutual respect (and who on this planet doesn't want to be respected!). The kindness part is about respecting the other and or the situation; the firmness part is about respecting self. I like to define mutual respect as: I respect you, I respect me - rather than the old fashioned I respect you; you respect me. (What control do I have over what you do? None.) By respecting myself, I model to you and others what respecting me looks like - that is the best I can do. And I can be kind and firm at the same time. I can set limits, but don't have to be mean to do that. These are options that have been lost in current culture. The more we treat EVERYBODY with dignity and respect the more productivity will rise. If a worker is not matched to their job, the respectful thing to do for all would be to make a change - and that can be done with kindness. Working together in this way increases creativity as well as together people feel safe and are more apt to work toward long term solutions rather than just quick fixes. Oh, I could go on for hours on this topic...
One of the reasons people get irritated at the "fun" games created in the workplace and overly kind people is that it doesn't feel authentic, and inside a warning signal goes off. Authenticity is one barometer for respect. If you aren't authentic, you are disrepecting yourself, the other or both.
My new mantra is "Think of a way to make someone's day, everyday." My husband and I have a Kindness Cafe in downtown St. Paul and we are on a mission to make the city the kindest in the world. I am in AWE at what people have done and continue to do. Give people a reputation to live up to and most often, people rise to the challenge. Awesome post. Thank you for your continued kindness! If you are ever in St. Paul, MN stop by to say hi. www.QKindness.com
Nice story. Where we live it applies. My family wonders why we I live where I live. Nova Scotia is actually like this. All the time. Stuff isn't important, people are.
People actually let other in line in a traffic jam. Even the people that run to the front.
The one thing that this oil crisis has taught me is that it isn't important to be right now.
Fantastic Post. And a great subject to bring to our attention.
You have provided some great observations and it is refreshing to be reminded of the power of helping, and being a nice person always leads to helping someone.
The best gift in the world is being kind. Well done for sharing and reminding.
Sincerely,
John Adams
As someone who strives to practice kindness every moment (and definitely falls down on the job many times a day!), I absolutely agree with the "high" that comes from giving a kindness...with or without acknowledgement from the other person. Many years ago, I set myself a task to bring a smile to at least 3 strangers a day and I tell ya what, it rocked! Seeing the light on someone's face, someone who might not have had any other reason to smile than a momentary connection to another is better than any drug I know of.
Can you imagine what would happen happen if all the naysayers of the world were overcome with kind words and deeds? It makes my heart go "pitter patter"...that is my dream come true...the day when the big media outlets have more positive than negative stories! And it sounds to me like there are lots of folks resonating with that energy. Thanks to each of you...you make the world a better place to be.
Blessings to all
Jerilynne "Mama Red"
www.onemillionacts.com
By Giving Joy And Love , You
Give Kindness .
Grace.
i found the simplest way to express kindness is to aknowledge,a perfect stanger,with a smile and a bit of small talk.im sure that the person will walk on with a smile,which is very contageous and i bet they will not forget your smile.patrick
That "nice guys finish last" idea comes from baseball: Leo Durocher, manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers.
From Wikipedia:
"In a July 6, 1946 interview with Red Barber, Durocher had been commenting on the common belief at the time that if a team's players got along well, they would naturally play better than teams with difficult or irascible players; noting some of the players on the Giants who had reputations as personable individuals, notably Mel Ott, he observed that they were all "nice guys", but would nonetheless finish last (while his Dodgers were in first place), summing up his argument with, "Nice guys; finish last." Durocher later noted that the remark was quoted accurately in the published interview, but came to take on a different meaning when some incorrectly thought he meant that such a team would finish last because it included "nice guys", when in fact he had meant that there was no correlation (and in fact, saw it more as an ironic situation) between the personalities on a team and their level of play. ... Thus the quote "Nice guys finish last" has long been attributed to Durocher, including an entry in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. Many historians assert, however, that the famous four words never were actually uttered by Durocher; the quotation as it is remembered actually came from headline writers distilling Durocher's quote that "The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place, not in this dugout" into a pithy soundbite."
I totally agree with everything said here! We should have a World Kindness Day - if I had the energy I would start this up.
Kind regards
Monika
Hi everyone, in this universe. It was beautiful to read about kindness. I am a registered nurse and I can see through kindness to staff that they were on a high. They did kind things to patients and those around them. I wrote a book 'Along the Way' by Maureen Flanagan.A true story. It was not the miracles and kindness in the book it was the extraordinary and manificent kindness that other people did for others after reading the book. To hear about kindness in this world I believe we can spread kindness. Kindness stops people on their track. They stop and think about things and I believe often they decide to be kind to others. Kindness creates surprises!! It puts a smile on your face. Where does your energy come? I believe you have, energy, good health, happiness, excitement, and it truly spreads around. Thanks you all for inspiring me more. Lets all keep spreading kindness. I suggested to have an International kindness day. Just one day in the whole world where we even more actively do kindness but in a bigger quantity. We have Fathers, Mothers Day etc. Many aren't mothers and fathers etc. There are no categories in the kindness day. lets do it.
Maureen Bassett/Flanagan. Sydney. Australia.
Please, we should remember the old adage, what goes around comes around. The thing to tack on to this is: It might not be from the source to which you gave. The power of positive thinking includes giving of oneself. One can never do enough good.
Sandra
Thank you, Bean, for posting this topic. I read all the responses with interest and learned from everyone. I especially enjoyed Sahara's post. Years ago I read a book called simply "Kindness" and have never forgotten it.
I have a plaque on my wall that reads: What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
With every passing day, I understand more it's profound truth; it's become my mantra. Your comments about kindness are right on the money, and thanks for them.
These and other wonderful benefits have been my experience throughout life.
My mother taught me this as a youngster, by example.
It seems like "something" or "someone" is looking out for you.
Selfishness yields shallow fruitage while kindness brings a smile to your very core.
Great post! I wholeheartedly agree that being kind helps you take control - of your own thoughts, reactions, actions, and ultimately your life.
The fitness aspect of kind people may also stem from a positive outlook.
Every Being in this world, whether judged good or bad, carries a little spark of kindness within.
All we've to do is realize it and make them realize it.
Great post! You really never can be too kind. Though there are times when kindness is not the best display of character. If the world was trusting then the only emotion we would need is love.
This reminds me of an incident that happened a decade ago. During a fund-raising campaign Mother Theresa met an affluent businessman. He refused to offer anything to the charity and spat on Mother's palm to which she said..."This is enough for me now give something for the poor". The guy was moved by her compassion and immediately wrote a check.
Great stuff,
I have done both I have been selfish and selfless. As much as I hate to admit it sometimes I have caved to peer preasure and was selfish when it was not needed. Then I used to give all panhandlers a dollar and I used to tell people if a good dead is just someone ripping me off then the problem is their's and How does me being kind ever really hurt me.. Maybe I need to revisit my behavior and remember that for every needy or helpless person there is a chance at personal redemption. Just ask Scrooge.
Thanks for the reminder Bean,
Great post that I totally agree with. During one of my annual reviews at work my boss shared just the opposite opinion with me - "Nice people finish last!" referring to my desire to reach out to our users and my offer of assistance to them. It also irritated him that I was the only one of his reports that he could not provoke to anger with his management style.
I didn't agree with him then and 25 years later I still don't. The motto I have lived by for years is: Is the world a better place because I lived today? Every evening before I retire at night I take inventory by asking that simple question. I believe good and kindness do matter.
My irs business umbrella agrees with this concept 100%. It is:Concepts Of Life, Love And The Intellect.
Otherwise known as COLLATI.
It is wise to Live Life Lovingly, and it is good for you AND the other guy. Good for your health and wellbeing. Good for your self image AND good for your PUBLIC IMAGE. It's all good.
I am 76 years young and have learned the hard way that "what you sow, you will reap". Kindness, or if you will, niceness is the foundation that keeps the world turning.
Fantastic. I with you all the way on that score.
Hi...every one out there in this beautiful world....i totally agree that kind people benefits most from the universe..whether it is being kind to human beings..animals..plants..fishes..etc ..any form of life is surrounded by energy...kind people has good and positive energy....i believe in being kind..u cannot be too kind.....just practise it and it be a habit......cheers
I always try to find a positive when I am out and if I can say something upbuilding to a person ...I do....the smile on their face is is worth everything.
Another thing I like to do is to write to those people in my life who have made a difference and tell them so.
I had a wakeup call at the beginning of this year when I let a letter sit on my computer for six months not wanting to embarrass myself for sounding to "smaltzy" thanking a person for once being in my life and how happy I had been to know him. He committed suicide and I sometimes wonder if my letter would have made a small difference. So I have to say....don't hold back ....if someone has made a difference to your life...let them know. I would give anything to be able to send that letter now. We come this way but once.
Pamela
Hi Mark!
I am glad you wrote this article about kindness because it's so important for us to realize that we do reap what we sow.
My personal experience with the helper's high was when I helped an old lady who was struggling to get her wheelchair up a ramp at the hospital where my daughter had her child.
This poor lady was having the most difficult time pushing the chair so I just grab a hold of the handles at the back and pushed her up the ramp and asked her where she would like to go.
Let me tell you something, my friends, I never felt so good in all my life as I felt that day after helping that lady.
The only regret I have is that I don't have the time to do this more often.
For those who think nice guys finish last, just try to be nice to at least one person in your life and I am sure you will agree with me that the feeling of satisfaction will make you want to do it again. It's like sex once you do it, you will want to do it again.
Thanks for this opportunity Mark.
David
Good Morning World!
"You reap what you sow". Allowing the magnificent spiritual being that you are...simply be...where being kind is part of our being, only elevates you higher and hopefully shows others the way to inner happiness. As Gandhi said, "BE the change you want to see in the world."
Blessings to all.
I agree with the premise, but would like to put in my own clarification. Nice and Kind are not the same thing. Nice is doing whatever it takes to make a social situation be non confrontational or "nice". Kind is to do what is best for that person or situation regardless. While probably in the vast majority of situations doing something kind will also be nice, but not always.
If a friend is overweight and asks you "Am I Fat" do you do the "nice" thing and say "of course not!" or do you do the kind thing and tell them that you are concerned about their health, or that they indeed they look fat and that it doesn't matter to you (if that is the truth) except that it obviously matters to them. Notice I didn't say be mean as in "Lord yes you look like mount fatty!" Although it is possible that you could do that depending on your friendship, but the point is that "nice" is NOT good for them, KIND is. You can be too nice, you cannot be to KIND. Think kindness, not niceness!
I get a great buzz knowing that the person I help cannot possible repay me. For those who want to repay me, I offer them the greatest buzz of all, Pay It Forward.
To further expand on what Gregg talks about, below is one of the chapters from my book 101 Really Important Things You Already Know, But Keep Forgetting (Tenspeed Press):
Nice People Are Often Not Good People and Good People Are Often Not Nice People
We live in a culture in which being a nice person is considered tantamount to being a good person. The result is that many nice people are mistaken for fine human beings, when, in fact, they haven’t earned this distinction due to their serious character defects. On the other hand, many really good people are mistaken for having serious character defects just because they aren’t the nicest people around. So what makes a good person? "A good head and a good heart,” Nelson Mandela reminded us, “are always a formidable combination."
No doubt at times it's hard for a lot of us to differentiate between the good guys and the bad guys. A friend of mine, for instance, is not the nicest person in the eyes of his friends and acquaintances. He is direct and often upsets others by telling the truth about events, people, and things. Yet my friend is one of the most generous individuals when it comes to giving money or other help to friends, panhandlers, and others in need. Contrast this with many so-called nice people who seldom go out of their way to help other individuals — particularly those in need.
The reality that nice people often are not good people and good people often are not nice people is a major disconnect for many of us. We want everyone to be nice because this is a lot easier to take than having people be direct, rude, or angry with us. Fact is, niceness is a facade that many individuals lacking exemplary character use for ulterior motives. Some of the nicest-appearing people are desperate for affection from others. Certain psychiatrists and psychologists claim that behind the nice-guy facade there usually lurks considerable repressed anger — waiting to be transformed into despicable acts against others.
The core of the matter is that we have to be on guard with many nice people. We can allow them to get by on charisma for only so long. After that, they better show some endearing character traits. Clearly, many people are nice so that they can distract us to take advantage of us. They will try to get in front of us in a lineup or entice us into the biggest scam the world has ever seen. People seeking to con others out of money or anything else invariably project themselves as a model of virtue. Your making a snap decision about their character based on their niceness can lead to serious consequences and disillusionment later on.
At the extreme you may find nice people who steal from senior citizens, commit sex crimes, or murder their relatives — not exactly the epitome of sterling character. How often have you heard others declare, “He seemed so nice all the time,” when describing someone who has just assaulted, or even killed, someone?
Good people, on the other hand, are not nice all the time. In his renowned study of self-actualized individuals, researcher and humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow found that people at the highest level of psychological development aren’t the most pleasant humans whom you will encounter. Contrary to expectations, self-actualized people aren’t calm individuals. Indeed, temper outbursts are common.
Unlike nice people, self-actualized human beings can be constructively critical of others when the need is there. Because they don’t pretend to be something that they aren’t, these good people aren’t pleasing to everyone all of the time. Although they are generally very tolerant of others, self-actualized individuals are likely to create a big scene when people engage in insincerity, dishonesty, or stupidity.
If you want to surround yourself with human beings who possess great character, who will support you in making a difference in this world, don’t overlook the good people just because they aren’t nice all the time. Many good people have insecurities; they get angry and they may even get dejected about life. You will have to put up with their occasional anger, impatience, and disgust because they will not tolerate lying, cheating, inconsideration, or hypocrisy. Nonetheless, their honesty, sincerity, decency, goodness, wisdom, and consideration will make you realize that you are in great company.
Ernie J. Zelinski
Author of The Joy of Not Working: A Book for the Retired, Unemployed, and Overworked ( Free Chapter in PDF available at www.thejoyofnotworking.com )
I found this blog on a google search and boy am I glad I did. I thought I heard someone mention it in a free chat room.
Awesome read!
Hi,
This mail came to me as a fresh breather when i have been admonished many a time for being "too kind/nice".
But also in many cases i have been used in the very process for being kind. Yesterday only i was rebuked and questioned,"why people find only your shoulders to cry on. Why they don't go to anyone else?It looks like there is something really wrong in the process (in a sense, with you). Answer is people in trouble will go to only those people who they identify as helpful and non judgemental.
Most of the time it has happened that people for who i have gone out of the way and have helped, have betrayed me.
For example, i had next door neighbour, an old lady, who was kind of staying alone. Her husband was posted away and both daughters were also working abroad in different countries. The old lady was suffereing from depression and psorisis (a skin problem). I was working from home as country representative-India for an international trading company. To dd to that i was married and had a 2 year old son and complete household to take care of. Still whenever she wanted to talk to me i would spare my precious time and would listen to her without showing any attitude of how busy i was and my time was precious. When she fell very sick, i took her to doctor and looked after her, made food for her etc. I subconsciously had my own mother in mind who lived in a different state. I really went out of the way. And, then things went out of my mind. Then i started feeling controlled and directed by that old lady, whose expectations skyrocketed. I became proxy for her two daughters were/are supposedly doing extremely well and can't see her much. And, when i failed to live upto those expectations, of course our relationship went for a toss. And, then bad blood..and then she talked ill about me..I felt may be if she could not be thankful atleast she shouldn't have been ungrateful.
That was couple of years back. Anyways, could i learn something can that help me from being what i am. No!
Another, yet another incident...but now have i learned anything?
Yes.
My goodness should not be seen as my weekness.
But what i should do? I have to chalk out a way so that i can be helpful and i don't regret about it also. By being assertive and drawing a line.
But, yes, at the end of it i know that He, the almighty, is whatching over all of us. And, by my own good and bad experience, i know that somehow, somewhere, in some way, it definitely comes back to me beautifully!!
And, that if we just live for our own selves day in and day out, even animals do that. Why in the first place we are called "humans".
And, i know that GOOD PEOPLE DEFINITELY HAVE THE LAST LAUGH!!
Let's see how i do?
I agree particularly regarding the 'helper's high' and I don't even think it's about knowing good stuff will 'kharmically' come back to you in return.
Being nice is just nice! :-) And being nice to strangers is the best.
Not that I do as much of this as I'd like - I'm still leaving 20 pence pieces 'anonymously' on the street right now. But I'll get more active sooner or later.
Thanks for the reminder, Bean! :-)
Steve
Not to burst the bubble Bean, but these Boy Scout studies and findings are warped. The endorphin phenomena are also a sham.
I am person who spends 50% - 75% of his time giving away time, energy, or finances. Yet perceived returns are the simple responses of, “Thank you”, or some meager gratuity that pales by comparison to the amount of time, energy, or finances expended.
I don’t do any of these deeds for recompense of any sort, but I do it to stay busy. However, I have yet to rule the world, feel better than just used, or ride some 5-hour high that totally rocks.
So, I disagree. Nice guys/gals do finish last, and they were meant to finish last. These are the people that carry all of society through blissful ignorance.
Ernie,
A 26 'dude' is growing '55' as I truly believe heavily in two of the paragraphs pasted by you.
Before I paste your great truthful paragraphs, let me give the prop for a true personal character named Joe...
Having studied people heavily for the last 3 years with a purpose, I can honestly mention that being "nice" has average consequences and being "good" has more uplifting and fulfilling satisfaction when it comes my life time and my bloodline generation.
Problem as Robert Greene cleverly portrays in his 48 Laws of Power as I remember a bit, is that "being good" being a leader, telling people what they need to hear, read and know has serious unfavoring results if you tell them, just like it is. However, if you paint a picture of fantasy into someones mind,you most often win their soul/heart and feelings. Keys to Power as remembering, was to stay vague and traditional to profit and being a "Nice Person" to win conditioned acceptance without the interference or illogic of emotions.
But of course, a better, more peaceful key to power in my opinion would be a peaceful, accepted approach and still 'saying it like it is'...but it requires more work than being a jerk with confidence for certain niches.
A great example of "good person but not so perceived as nice person" for those/many with minimal understanding in marketing positioning or with average education is "anyone that stands out of traditional or cultural social conditioning", heck... try reading or hearing a favorite, "Larry Winget."
Thanks for the great article Ernie, believed of the words indeed.
The Retired Dating Guru
Joe Maldonado
P.S...Two additional favored paragraphs of great wisdom by Ernie...
--------------------------
"Good people, on the other hand, are not nice all the time. In his renowned study of self-actualized individuals, researcher and humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow found that people at the highest level of psychological development aren�t the most pleasant humans whom you will encounter. Contrary to expectations, self-actualized people aren�t calm individuals. Indeed, temper outbursts are common.
Unlike nice people, self-actualized human beings can be constructively critical of others when the need is there. Because they don�t pretend to be something that they aren�t, these good people aren�t pleasing to everyone all of the time. Although they are generally very tolerant of others, self-actualized individuals are likely to create a big scene when people engage in insincerity, dishonesty, or stupidity.
-------------------------
Puerto Rico is know that character today, slowly!
Joe Maldonado a.k.a "Good Guy
An ultimate truth !
I read once a quote like "We are all here to pay our debts" and selfless kinds is the best way to do it. A greater kindess is the one that doesn't think about oneself in the first place. Difficult but a challenging task.
The comments and discussion here are very insightful, and to put my penny's worth in on the distiction between nice and kind/good, it seems acts that are nice usually don't give the actor the 'high' because he/she expects the high in return. the truly unselfish act of goodness or kindness is simply that and often unfulfiling as such. but at times we can be surprised by a 'return' resulting in a sense of fulfillment that seemingly is not really connected to a particular act.
I'm a Canadian of German decent, living in Japan. An exotic looking guy here, that children as well as adults without experience in other societies tend to stare at and keep their polite distance. I'm like enyone else enjoy friendly relations with neighbors and collleagues. this is not so difficult with adults but in the case of children you can't gain their acceptance by forcing 'niceness' on them. The only way is to build trust with them and that is only by simply being yourself. when walking my dog I greet them spontaniously, or simply encourage them when they are playing or getting ready for some school event (track and feild day, or at test time). Now, I'm the one getting the hellos and comments about a play or hit during one of my softball games. when were they watching! And sometimes from children I know I never talked to before!
I don't know if this is an act of kindness or anything but add this to university students that stop and talk to me because when they were still in elementary school I showed them how to throw a ball, ride a bicycle, taught them a phrase or two of English or their dog a trick (I usually don't remember doing it but...) the the tenfold return in well-being is really worth what ever one does.
There is a Kyogen play (classical comedy skits performed between Noh drama, that poke fun at society and human nature that try to teach some kind of ethical lesson) about a blind monk (the blind were out castes) who has gone to a meadow during the moon viewing season. He explains he enjoys the singing of the crickets and other insects, although he can't see the full moon. He meets a man out for the occasion and they soon start a cordial conversation that leads to sake, singing and dancing. After parting they both admit they had a very unusual but wonderful time. but then the man suddenly changes his voice chases down the blind monk and violently throws him to the ground for no reason. After the man leaves the monk gets up and says how strange the world is that there are good and bad people. the effect of this tragi-comedy is to give the audience a hard slap in the face, and the realization that we all have the good and the bad (evil) in our nature. There is no doubt as to which side we should take, but another insight is that the good act (the spontaneous conversation and fellowship in the first half) is the more enjoyable (in this case inebriating) than the last act of violence and discrimination, whether actually realized or consciously raised inside us, that leaves stress and tension between or within people.
there is nothing new in this at all, and the Zorastrian concept of the ramification of good or bad deeds in the world rings true, and the reason for Paul stressing that we need "faith, hope and love" but the greatest being unselfish love in what ever one does.
this is never an easy act to follow, and as many have already said above, it does not mean to tolerate what doesn't harm us directly, whether in our daily relationships with others or issues that are seemingly beyond our capacity to act on.
I'm not a mystic, but I think the saints and arhats in the past and present, are aware and enlightend on the mystery of Good. We have much more to learn.
that is great that you got that going coming and releave all the money problems okay i would like to to know how you do it okay thank you for letting me in on this with this with you guys okay thank you.
There are a few reasons I think that you feel better when you do nice things.
I think that in order to do nice things you have to a) put away the harsh feelings you have b) imagine how the other person feels, thus feeling what he feels and c) take action that seems to make him feel better. Which naturally leads to you feeling better because you are tuning into his feelings.
I.E. it feels just like doing something good for yourself.
Conclusion: Humans are inherently good. We are at all times trying to spread happiness throughout the range of our consciousness. Sometimes our sense of what that means renders us "evil"-- ineffective, or even countereffective.
But still our purpose is good, if only a small, fragmentary good.