Birth Order Controversy: Does Being First, Middle, or Last Make You Who You Are?
By: Bean Jones
Ever since I could remember, my being "the youngest" has been used to explain the way I am. As a kid, I smiled each time my parents told my siblings to let me pester them because I was "the baby." As Dr. Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order Book, theorizes, I was just playing the part I had been born into.
However, there came a point when I no longer enjoyed being the "baby."
Pecking Rights
A few years back, my siblings started saying this: "Oh, he's our youngest. That's why our parents let him change his mind about going to med school." They unwittingly made me out to be a happy-go-lucky young man suffering from the Peter Pan Syndrome. I began to resent being constantly labeled as "the youngest."
I'm sure many "babies of the family" have felt the same way. Then again, I guess first borns, only kids, and middle children also have their own issues.
We can all thank Dr. Alfred Adler, who specialized in the personality theory. It was he who categorized us into five major birth order positions: only, oldest, second, middle, and youngest child.
By Order of Appearance
Check out the Adler's theory about each of the birth order positions:
1. Self-starter. The only child is self-sufficient and doesn't mind playing alone. Though he is the center of attention, he will most likely express his uneasiness over it later in life.2. Leader Material. The oldest child has a take-charge attitude and often functions as a leader when he is among his peers.
3. Driven Rebel. The second child is more competitive and wants to overtake the older child--so much so that he may rebel or try to outdo everyone. He is most likely the most driven individual in the family.
4. Tough Negotiator. The middle child may be even-tempered, assuming a "take it or leave it" attitude, and may have trouble finding his place. On the other hand, he could also turn out to be a great mediator or negotiator.
5. Certified Charmer. The youngest is frequently spoiled and may never be dethroned as the baby of the family--so much so that he is likely to have big plans fueled by the desire to outdo all his other siblings. Then again, youngest kids are often very charming and enjoy being the life of the party.
Evidently, I object (if only a bit) to the fifth assertion. But I have to confess that I agree with some of Adler's observations. (I'm not saying which ones.)
But what do the experts say about one's "pecking order" influencing one's personality?
True or False?
In the Time magazine article "The Power of Birth Order," writer Jeffrey Kluger reveals: "[Various birth-order studies show that] eldest siblings are disproportionately represented in high-paying professions. Younger siblings, by contrast, are looser cannons [who are likely] to live the exhilarating life of an artist, a comedian, an adventurer, entrepreneur, GI, or firefighter. And middle children? Well, they can be a puzzle--even to researchers."
Still, not everyone is sold on the birth order theory.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, for one, cites a study led by J.L. Rodgers, which was published in the June 2000 issue of American Psychologist. "Their research included all the children from each family. Thus, they were able to measure how children compared to each other within each family. There was absolutely no connection between birth order and IQ."
Likewise, Kluger himself observes: "To achieve any kind of statistical significance, investigators must assemble large samples of families and look for patterns among them. But families are very different--distinguished by size, income, hometown, education, religion, ethnicity and more."
Heated debates aside, I can only hope that this bit of information from Kluger is true: "Birth-order scholars often observe that some of history's great satirists--Voltaire, Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain--were among the youngest members of large families."
If that's so, then I'm in very good company. It's the only reason why I would gladly suffer the "baby" tag for the rest of my life.
Comments
I'm an only child and what really startles me is that many of the people who are or have been close to me are either only children, or what I call "almost only children". One friend was adopted at 5 months, raised as an only child and found her 15 siblings in her 30's, 2 have more 15 years between their age and that of their one sibling, 2 are only children, one had a sister and half-siblings but he was raised in a different family. The other 4 close friends came from 1 sibling to 6 sibling familes, are of various birth order, and raised with their siblings.
Has anyone done research on whether children of a certain birth order tend to become close to others with the same birth order without even knowing that person's birth order until later?
How many of the people who've been close to you in your life are of the same birth order as you?
i am a middle child and i am the black sheep of the family. both my older and younger brother get and got everything that they always wanted. i on the other hand was hard to deal with and now disabled and fighting to get ssi and going thru a second divorce. i have 3 kids. and they don't listen to me and make life a living hell for me and for themselves. i try my best and it's like i am not trying at all. i don't know what to do anymore. and getting help is impossible.
No one spoke about the birth order of twins ! In a family of two, is the youngest twin the baby?
Nobody is speaking to the four children family and the gender split birth order. It is possible to have two first born depending on the relationship of the parents with each gender. I was third born but first daughter. In many ways that makes me a first born with all the benefits of having predecessors to lead the way.
Being the 4th of 7 children, it is interesting to me to read about birth order and think about what applies to my situation. I do fit into aspects of the middle child personality, but I don't really use it to explain me, I just use it to help understand me. Thanks for the article!
This is an interesting topic. I'm the 2nd born of 3 but the only male child. I've been the black sheep, the adventurer, the artist, comedic life of the party sometimes at other times, just quiet or reserved. Conformist yet a maverick or maybe its just what I call the chameleon affect. Leader, follower and yet loner. Its like being a fence walker between two worlds with an ocassional visit in each followed by periods walking in between both sides again.
There is 11 years between my half brother and I. Growing up he wasn't home much while in high school, because of working and sports. I am definitely a first born personality in most everything that I do. Even though I have an easy going temperament, I have a inner drive and push to get things done and be very responsible. I have 4 grown children, the first set were 3 years apart. Then there was a 6 year span and 2 more came along that was 3 1/2 years apart.
What I see in them is this:
First born girl with first born traits. Second born boy that took on first born traits since he was the first boy. 3rd born boy is difitinely a middle mediator and laid back. The last born is a boy and had more time with Me and dad.... and was not spoiled like a normal baby of the family. He has some of baby traits, but much of first born traits as well. So in summary, I think that the way parents train and siblings act towards each other growing up determines how strong of the birth order traits sets in a child.
Thank you for your teachings
As a middle baby, after 2 eldest boys,
I wasn't at first welcome by the father ...he was proud of having 2 boys...later on I became his pearl...
True enough , I 've had the attitude of take it or leave it...
independant... and the yang attitude.. in all situations... fearing nothing... the whole world could be against me... I could stand before everyone... for a noble cause... till death...
My sister youngger than I (I was born on Jan. the 31st 1954 and she ...on Dec.20th 1954)
She by all means tried to unceasingly compare to me at all levels of life, get what has been given to me.(ex-husband..kids... houses...good reputation .. ... when she failed...will ask all dark forces to sue me...(she has no husband,no kids,no house ...having debts she thinks that I have to be in the same situation or help her ...I am responsible of her karma)
As a sister in the flesh , we helped each other... but she will only remember when she helped you...
I never recall what I have given
the results aren't good for her...
all family members don't want to get in touch with her anylongger(she asked my brothers not to be in touch with me...and gave me a bad reputation while she fomented somthing against me...but I exposed it .. then everything was clear!
When the Universe has shown Mercy upon you... then what has been appointed to you is confirmed and NOBODY can take it off from you!
i don't think it true in all family i am one of 8 kid and we did not have a
pecking order
Have enjoyed the birth order theory and seen it in action.Although, it is only one aspect of personality,it has an influence.
I enjoyed this article and find some truth in it, for sure!
"Jan" asked about twins...
Well, I'm one in a family of six total
(boy, girl, girl, boy then twins [boy and 3 minutes later, girl...])
and CERTAINLY the BABY of the family is the twin girl!
We are nearly 50 now, so 'baby' has moved on to 'little sister' for many years, but this article still points ou many near-truths...
For one thing, she "got everything..." - braces, eyeglasses, even pregnancy...
I got none of that!!!
(Yeah, I was so 'mistreated' as a youngster! ;)
Well, being the 2nd oldest of 7 kids, I have no clue who I am! The issue: My mother had 3 children first, and then there was a 5 year span before she had 4 more! When I finally figure it out, I'll be too old to enjoy it!
Well, I have always had the middle child syndrome. I have always felt that my mother, especially, would rather I hadn't been born. I often asked my grandmother why my mother didn't love me. My sister, a year older, was the charming cute curly headed doll and then I came along, the scrawny straight-haired ugly duckling. Then to top it all off, 3 years later a brother who almost died showed up on the family scene. He was and is today the ONLY child, so to speak. Mother even told a bunch of her friends (in front of me)that he was the favorite because they thought he was going to die. He gets everything he wants, and my sister gets almost anything she wants, but I, the "independent" one who has for 20 years on my own made a decent living and actually made something of myself, I still yearn for the love I have never felt. Dad died a couple years ago, and I have really felt lost without him. Mom tries to be "fair", but it is SO obvious that she thinks I do not belong. And, sometimes, I wonder if I do. I have tried so hard in the past few years to overcome my feelings of inadequacy, but not with success. If only my parents, or maybe I should say, my mother (dad wasn't nearly so obvious) would even remotely suggest that I am smarter and more common sense than either of my siblings.(oh, and I happen to be the best looking as well!!!-so much for uckly ducking!!)For some reason, I just can't seem to get past it and I am 66 for crying out loud!
I agree in part - I was a middle child and do relate to feeling lost in the crowd of 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I had to succeed to be noticed...and I have, far more than my older sister - the firt born. I have also noticed that those who 'assumed leadership' by sheer birthright often later stumble as they assume their status will continue through life. Whereas those children that follow, learn to work harder and smarter and often succeed more. I am the second born and have certainly been the most successful overall and most entrepreneurial.
I am grateful for being the middle child!
My family has an interesting situation, since my siblings can be grouped in 2 batches. I am the eldest among them all (and only girl) and I affirm the leadership and responsibility attributes of my birth order position. However, our 4th brother exhibits characteristics of both firstborn and youngest child. As he is the oldest of the 2nd batch of siblings, he is very responsible and sometimes demanding as a leader. But as he is the youngest among the first batch, he is also very affectionate. I daresay he has the one with the most favorable character among us all. :)
I,m the 3rd one and let me tell you I,m a real fighter.My mother watched my brother like an eagle being a sick baby and attention was very rear. I did sport on my own traveling to and back to school. In my fifty's I still fight to get what I want. (in a decent manner) But I can say with honesty I'm no quitter. Think I was adopted, completely diferent than my siblings. I don't fit in. And I'm a loner as well. Not concerned to have people around me. Love it to be alone. Do I still match the 3rd child category?
i am the 3 of 4 daughters, but i never seem to do anything right, i dont confrom to their thinking, i am not accepted for who i am an i am constantly reminded that i am not good enough. . i am 39 and my daughter is now 4. my mom always says it is my older 2 sisters fault i am like i am ( ? ) they would never let her discipline me. no one is ever as helpful as the oldest(47), no one works as hard as the second eldest(46). and the baby (33) is perfect,she does so much, works so hard, u name it. everything about her is perfect. but last born doesnt talk to the 2nd one, and has attitude with me and the oldest one if we have conflict with my mother, but my mother will never tell her that she needs to check her attitude. my mother has fragmented the relationship there should be between the sisters. i agree with the parents influencing the realtionship between the children and their pecking order. when the youngest was at school, my late father spoilt her much to my mothers dismay, the oldest was his confidant much to mothers dismay. now the youngest is moms beste friend, and the oldest has taken over as moms confidant and she discusses everythign with her. go figure.
I'm familiar with some of Dr. Adler's concepts. I'm the eldest of 2 offsprings, with 5 years between. That was enough time to start a new cycle, which would explain why I express some of the single child traits along with the oldest sibling profile. I enjoy working and playing by myself as well as being responsible for a project or leading a group. Oldest and youngest siblings with a few only children make up my inner circle, including men I've been involved with. I think it's interesting that there are no middle children within my entourage.
Okay.. In the past I thought the Birth Order was only partly true.. but after marrying, and gaining a blended family of 7 children, I read the 'Blended Birth Order' and was shocked at how it predicted who would fight with who, who would grow close, who would be jealous of whom, etc! From that day on, I fully believed in the Birth Order factor!!!
Based on what I have read here, and my own experience as the oldest of a group of 4 siblings much of the issues here actually are the responsibility of the now adult children to come to terms with and get on with their lives. It took me a while to see the big picture within my family and realize that:
1. Generally parents always try to do their best-for each child.
2. Every family has issues and some tragedies that alter or dictate the amount of attention an individual may receive.
3. Holding grudges against your parents and/or siblings for real or perceived slights only hurts yourself.
4. As an adult if you are unable to let go of perceived slights or inadequacies then perhaps it would be a good idea to seek counseling.
So many of you display through your posts envy, bitterness, and jealousy that most definately shadow your ability to function as happy productive adults. Yet, each of you has found someone to blame for your own feelings. When I got a grip on myself, reality, my station in the family and began to understand the stations and individual dynamics each person in my family played when I was a child and now as an adult I was finally able to free myself of all the self pity, etc. I know what I am worth, and I don't let old memories or the habits of others dictate who or what I am and certainly not what my potential is. Every option is mine alone to choose. Further, if you belong to a family that frequently bickers amoungst yourselves for position and or your parents money and/or possessions then it is you alone that are making yourself miserable. No one owes anyone anything. It is our responsibility as adults to function in society at large and if you possess so much emotional baggage over your position within your family unit then only you can become the catalist for change. You may even be surprised that as you change and grown up emotionally it may have a profound effect on your relationship dynamics with others within you family unit. I am not a mean person at all, just someone who is lucky enough to have experienced a tragedy of my own in early adulthood and sought counseling. What I discovered was that no matter who or what was done or that I perceived had been done to me, I was the only one who could change. I can't change others, I can't change the past-all I can do is take a look at how I am dealing with it and find a productive solution to the situation. There are many of you out there who should truly do some soul searching and you will discover that the real key to your own happiness is you! Live, learn and love unconditionally and your life will be much fuller. Good luck to all.
I am the oldest of 4, and I definitely have eldest child syndrome... overly responsible, constantly mothering and looking after my siblings. I also got the strictest upbringing, carving a path for my siblings to follow. My sister perfectly fits the youngest child profile, although we got two half brothers after that. The eldest brother is very much like me, and the youngest brother is very much like my sister. I think there was a definite repetition of eldest youngest, first with my sister and I, and then with my two half brothers seven years later.
In my opinion this article is very "he" oriented, it could also be written as "she". I've seen and experienced my wifes family of 5 siblings, 4 girls and 1 boy in the following order.
Girl-boy-girl-girl-girl, and since this was a farm family, all of the children were born with the "shortest allowed" time between the births. I've noticed that the eldest girl was the one with most "power" and authority given since she was the eldest, then came the boy and he was the heir naturally according my father-in-law.
The next girl, in my opinion, was the one with the most difficult task of all. She was the youngest kid for a while until the next kid came along and then that position was taken. Then came the two next kids one after another until my mother-in-law couldnt have any more.
When they grew up my wife as beeing the youngest kid, was very sickly and needed a lot of attention by medical, and since they werent that wealthy this had a great impact on the familys income.
My wife become my father-in-laws favourite and this made the siblings jalous in various ways, but since she was also the smallest and the youngest the thers couldnt take that out on her, so she got away with a lot. And that attitude festered when she grew up too.
The oldest sister was still the oldest and "step-in-mom", the boy was the Heir, the girl in between was a "nobody" that had to find her place in one way or another, and the girl next to my wife, she was so close in age to my wife and benefitted to that so she also got away with a lot of "flak" from their father.
To conclude this little story, in a family of 3, 5, 7 wether all boys, girls or a mix, there will in my opinion allways be a tough mix.
One child will allways be oldest, one is youngest and one is the in-between, and that one will have the hardest time trying to gain the parents focus.
This will, in my opinion leave a psychological "scar" that will follow that person for the rest of his/her days, unless this person can resolve that "gift" in som way or other.
I'm the only girl, and the 3rd child of 4. Mother always said she never wanted children - and even though the oldest is now 50, and the youngest is 43, she still calls us brats. The oldest one and I are the independent ones and the two most likely to roam away from home - Why we keep coming back is beyond me. Dad died 4 years ago, and I feel cheated. He spent more time with the boys than he did with me. I was born with double dislocated hips and told "You can't" so much that I have had to fight through it - and show everyone that I could, so I am the most independent of the bunch. My youngest brother got away with everything. Even though I was disabled for the first 6 years of my life, I did not get the most attention. The 2nd oldest is the most successful of all of us, so I see where this birth order could be possible - although as an only girl, I have both middle child and only child qualities.
Interesting article. I am the 3rd born out of 4. I fall more into the youngest category in a lot of ways, and my younger brother does too! The two older each too on being a big brother and big sister to the 2 younger...interesting how that worked out.
But unlike my older siblings, I think I am a bit more of an adventurer. I don't think anyone in the family(including me) knows what direction I am going in! But I DO have a lot of fun, and I am not afraid(most of the time) to take risks.
:)
This is interesting. I was kind of a hybrid between first born and middle child. I have an older half-sister who was with us every weekend or so and a younger sister who was always there, so I got to know both of the roles, and I have to admit, birth order effects how you see things.
As the eldest I was the king of the castle, I was the first one to do things, I got to help my sister through some of her issues growing up, got to be the protector, and it was overall an empowering feeling.
As the middle child life sucked. My older sister got privileges first, by virtue of birth order, while my younger sister was able to leverage far more than I was by virtue of being the youngest. Being in the middle means you're nothing special. That's not to say you aren't loved, or don't have the same potential, but there can be an (almost) infinite number of middle children, while only one child can be first and only one can be last.
I'm not sure I buy into the birth order theory of psychology. I'm firmly against labeling people (studies show people tend to become what you label them, regardless of if it's true), and with theories like this there are almost more exceptions than than the norm it seems.
Sorry, I don't agree with this birth order thing. Sure you may get mentally bashed up by your siblings or encouraged. But either way we have a choice and depending on the size and desire of your goals, this will determine your destiny, not whether you are the youngest, in the middle or 1st born. Wow, depending on your knowledge as at now, everyone will have an opinion on this - this story will be very interesting to follow.