Pineapple Express Incident Highlights the Need to Fight Clean Even When You're Itching to Get Dirty
By: Bean Jones
My brother Jason and I were hanging out at our parents' house when he suddenly asked me, "That guy in Pineapple Express is the same one who plays Cyclops on X-Men, right?" I winced before I said, "You are so wrong. That's James Franco. James Marsden plays Cyclops." Jason, undoubtedly the bossiest member of the family, frowned and declared, "No, you're wrong." I countered, "No, I'm right and you're wrong."
Soon, we were yelling at each other and my mother had to intervene. But then--as if reliving the crazy fights we had as kids--Jason and I continued our argument via text messaging after we had both left the house. He refused to go online to check his movie facts and sent me this message: "I don't rely on the Internet to get information." Taking this as a below-the-belt attack, I dialed his number just so I could call him an awful name.
We haven't spoken for nearly four days now.
My mother has found out about this and has just issued an ultimatum to Jason and me: "Grow up or I'll disown you both." So goes her message on my answering machine.
Well, my mom sure got it right.
"Our 'baby self,' which prevents us from letting go when we're not getting our way, can damage or destroy relationships, especially with those closest to us," confirms Dr. Anthony Wolf, a clinical psychologist, in his book Why Can't You Just Shut Up?: How We Ruin Relationships--How Not To.
Then again--the threat of being disowned aside--I was already planning to call Jason and say, "I'm sorry." Believe me, I'm ashamed of resorting to name-calling. (Well, I hope my mom is reading this and that she'll order Jason to go online ASAP.)
To prevent our future brotherly arguments from blowing out of proportion, Jason and I should take to heart the advice given by Dr. Catherine Birndorf, a psychiatrist and author of The Nine Rooms of Happiness:
1. Speak easy. Nothing good comes out of name calling or hitting below the belt. Hurtful words are the emotional equivalent of Crazy Glue. They could stick for a lifetime. (Or a few days that seem like forever.)
2. Listen up. Allow each other to talk--without being defensive or interrupting. When you're both hell-bent on being right or having the last word, it's a lose/lose situation.
3. Cool it. If you're so angry that you can't think straight, take a breather. Then make a specific plan to reconvene and talk again so the break doesn't become a cold war.
I guess this is my way of making peace with Jason. I mean, it would really be tragic if we get disowned just because of a petty argument over a laugh-a-minute buddy movie. Besides, it really doesn't matter which James stars in Pineapple Express.
Comments
To settle arguments and come to a peaceful solution, the Effort should come from BOTH Sides.
Learning to listen without your inside voice trying to interrupt is certainly a challenging thing to overcome.
Brian Klemmer calls it active listening where you just 'be with' someone and you allow the other person to communicate to you without judgment.
It helps you to better understand the other person's perspective whether you agree with it or not.
Certainly worth trying and doing before our judgment filters kick in.
Unfortunately it isn't always possible for both sides to make an effort, and in fact waiting for the other person to make an effort is often a good way to give your power away.
Just think about who and how you want to be and behave accordingly.
It still amazes me that after studying and practicing the skills of cummunication successfully for so many years, and doing perfectly fine with friends and strangers alike, it's a complete different level I fall into when arguing with my siblings - or - while they were still alive - with my parents.
And I'm not alone with this- as I found out. One of the reasons our closed family can hurt us so much more than anyone else is - I presume - the fact that WE presume they should know us BETTER than to -- think-/do-/this and that. After all, they are FAMILY ! Coming to think of it, it's usually so that after leaving the family home those we leave behind stop knowing us and our personal development all that closely. For THEM - we are still the 16 or 18 year old we were THEN. They don't really know the person you are NOW all that well, even if you think they SHOULD- since you've been telling them + writing them, meeting up with them etc.; fact is, your best friends/partners probably know more about the person you are today than your own mother/brother/sister, unless you've been living vey closed together all those years (which was not the case with me). They reduce you to the little idiot you were when you were 18, and do not take you as the adult 30 to 40 years later i.e. TODAY- and it HURTS. Simple comments like: well, you never WERE reliable, or - you're still the DREAMER - will hurt you and make you WANT to dig out you stone-sling to hurt back - because you very well KNOW the weak points of your loved ones, too- ohh yeahhh. Which means, you come down to THEIR level - BAD, really bad.
I don't know how to combat this - but even though I (we) don't call names - and never did, actually, I get soo mad at my siblings' unqualified judgements and comments that ever so often I don't speak with them for MONTHS !!
Whereas with FRIENDS- if there was an argument, I'm able to call the next day and clear the matter up - we both laugh and no hard feelings!!
What do YOU experience in this department? Any better success - any secret methods to improve this ever lasting rivalty amongst siblings? Do we actually NEVER grow up?
Brigitta!
You hit the nail on the coffin:) People never grow up unless they become conscious beings:)
The emotions that gide us to this destructive behaviour are based on subconscius reference points that need to be cleansed and realised!
Until then we are robots!
Better@Better!
Doc Wellbeing
This simple disagreement could be easily solved without resorting to the often dubious veracity of the internet.
A quick trip to the DVD section of a major retailer, or to a video rental store, to look on the back of the X-Men DVD would reveal James Marsden was in X-Men.
James Franco was in Spiderman.
Maybe you should rent both movies and invite your brother over for a movie night and to make amends.
Isn't a part of the problem a need to be right. Where do we get that conditoning from???
Sometimes you need to just shut up and think. A thinking person would've 'simply' researched an authoritative source before carrying the argument any further - then either ate crow or passed along the correct info, in glee.
BTW, you never did say who was right. Can we assume the crow tasted bad that day?
Hey there, Peopleunit!
I was right but it was not in my best interest to make my brother eat crow.
It might have set off another cycle of crazy arguments. The two of us really have that effect on each other.