What to Do When "Measuring Up" Becomes Your Biggest Burden
By: Bean Jones
Yesterday, I had coffee with my childhood friend Lisa. We had been neighbors until we were in the fourth grade, when her family moved to Seattle. She was back in town for a conference of some sort. We were having fun recalling the pranks we used to pull on each other when a woman walked into the coffee shop. The said woman, I must admit, was a brunette who was easy on the eyes. Naturally, the men in the coffee shop--myself included--turned to look at her.
Lisa suddenly grabbed my arm and asked, "Do you think I could be as thin as she is if I dieted to death?"
As I had grown up with two sisters, I knew that was a loaded question. Then again, I didn't understand where it was coming from. Lisa is a redhead who not bad-looking at all. So, I replied, "Why would you want to diet to death? You don't need to."
My answer only prompted Lisa to enumerate her imperfections and continue comparing herself to the brunette. "You have to stop that," I told her. Thankfully, she did. She also apologized for letting her so-called "addiction to self-comparison" spoil our conversation. "I know I have to quit trying to measure up," she admitted.
Lisa wasn't just talking about non-existent weight issues. I was quite disturbed when she confessed that she compared every aspect of her life with that of others. I could hardly believe it. I remember her being such a happy kid.
Psychologists believe that people with self-esteem issues feel bad when they compare themselves to those whom they think are better than they are. They also tend to compare themselves to someone who is worse off when they're not feeling good about themselves, say, because of a setback such as losing a job or being rejected.
"They do it in situations where they feel threatened, which happens a great deal to anyone who has low self-esteem," explains Dr. Thomas Willis, a professor of epidemiology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in Bronx, New York.
Though most psychologists say that this self-comparison fetish is pretty much "an automatic process," a person who suffers from it can choose to fight it. Kathryn Perrotti Leavitt, in her article "When You Compare Too Much: How to Stop Focusing on Others' Successes and Start Celebrating Your Own," offers these empowering tips:
1. Be kind to yourself. Do special things for yourself that won't break your budget. You have to believe that you deserve all the best things in life. If you see yourself as a "loser," other people will probably think so, too.
2. Take pride. The next time negative competitive feelings creep up on you, take time out to appreciate your great qualities. Be proud of who you are.
3. Avoid one-uppers. If you're among acquaintances who are ruthlessly competitive--and are incapable of being happy when things are going well on your end--you may need to minimize or eliminate your contact with them.
I'd be truly happy when the day comes that Lisa won't be threatened by people whom she thinks are better than her. Instead, she should be gracious enough to praise them or be motivated to do better by them. More importantly, I also hope she realizes that a life spent constantly trying to measure up to others isn't much of a life at all.
