Are You Into Keeping Secrets or Lying? Experts Say Liars Get a Sweeter Deal!
By: Bean Jones
Let it all out. This postcard is one of the many collected via PostSecret, an ongoing blog-based community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard. There are now several PostSecret books out on the shelves. This phenomenon would make psychologists everywhere very happy--as they believe keeping secrets is a tough mental chore.
I've always been proud of the fact that my friends consider me as a guy who can keep secrets. But after reading psychologist Dr. David Wenger's White Bears and Other Unwanted Things, I've decided to retire from the secret-keeping business.
Mind Control
Wenger, who has outlined the science of keeping secrets, declares that doing so just upsets your mental processes.
He begins by explaining that the mind uses two processes to help control thought. There's the intentional operating process or the "operator" and the ironic monitoring process or the "monitor."
The operator functions on a conscious level, helping us grasp concepts and strengthening our mental grip on our beliefs. The monitor, on the other hand, serves as the checks-and-balances center, making sure that we stay consistent by weeding out factors that contradict or hinder our mental resolve.
Managing "Closet Skeletons"
To give you an idea how it works, let us examine how the operator and monitor deal with a secret:
Say, you're on a high fiber diet and you go into a restaurant knowing that you should only order high-fiber food. As you read the menu, the operator tells you to focus on the salad selections.
Simultaneously, the monitor stops you from looking at the photo of the buttered chicken and tells you that it's not the right choice.
The operator and the monitor work the same way when we want to avoid thinking of something.
For instance, your friend confides, "I let people think I'm a vegetarian but I snack on steak late at night. Don't tell anyone what I told you." Since your immediate response would be to avoid thinking of the secret you're made to keep, your operator begins to prompt you to look for "distracters," such as TV shows, songs, work, and just about anything that would keep your mind off the secret.
Meanwhile, the monitor complicates things as it actively sifts through all the information that your brain gets, looking for any hints of the secret so that it could tell you to put your guard up.
Unfortunately, this mechanism only makes you think of the secret even more.
Endless Agony
Thus, you begin to have thoughts that are secret-centered such as, "I'm not talking to X because he knows Y and he might want to ask if Y told me a secret" or "I don't want to watch the documentary about vegetarians because I might commit a Freudian slip about Y's secret."
And so on. You'll be on this treadmill of secret torment day after day.
Secret-keeping involves work and effort. Naturally, it takes its toll on your body. According to Dr. Norman Anderson, co-author of Emotional Longevity, people who keep secrets usually "vacillate between being agitated and irritable," get tension headaches, develop vague body aches, and have nightmares.
False Rewards
Thus, Wenger observes that lying would be a less stressful undertaking: "On the face of it, it might appear that maintaining a running fabrication would be harder than carrying a secret. But, psychologically speaking, just the opposite is true. With lying, the lie serves as an effective distracter for the concealed truth."
Further analyzing why lying is less of a chore, Wenger lists down three reasons:
1. It's part of an alternate universe. The fabricated story allows one to construct a reality that takes the mind into a world where the secret doesn't exist.2. It's a "game." While the secret keeper paints himself into a corner by not being able to create distracters at will, liars sometimes dare to make a game out of fibbing. They're often curious how tall their tales can grow before being found out.
3. It's practically worry-free. Liars relieve tension regularly each time they create a new story or add yet another fake detail as distractions.
In the end though, the truth always has a way of coming out. Besides, the longer you keep a "cat" in the bag, the more you run the risk of being mauled by a "tiger" when things beyond your control eventually destroy the said bag. Bottom line: Let out that "cat" while it's still in the meowing stage.
For me, the truth is still your best bet--no matter how terrible it may be.
Credits: Image of postcard courtesy of Amazon.com.
Comments
I agree with the author that telling the truth is the best bet.
It's interesting that Wenger advanced lying as a better alternative instead of just advocating the truth.period.
Only the truth can set you free.
I totally agree with you,
I for myself just don't have the brain space to waste on either.
I tell the truth or be quiet.
Why would I burden my mind with lies or secrets?
live's too short
L&B
Annamarie
Yeah I guess "Tell the truth and shame the devil" has always been my internal voice from the Nuns who taught me and my beloved ,Ladies of the Grail,whom I boarded with. I was so naive and fessed up to lots I could have lied my way out of,MMMnnnnnn! Makes me laugh now but it is a fixed habit I can't get rid of even if I wanted to.
This isnt true for me. I can keep a secret you know how I easily forget them and frankly I've never had any ailments for keeping them. If my friends tell me their secrets. I usually say don't worry I'll most likely forget it. That's because it has no value to me. But when it does I have no problems even healthwise keeping it.
Hi there,
I have learned over the years that Truth is 100% efficient : exact applied energy for expected chosen purpose. Conversely, lying never shall be efficient, because it is energy sucking ... Lies never "apply" energy, because they suck it from somewhere else.
Ah, by the way, secrets and lies are very close relatives and both of them not very trustable "friends".
Have a great day.
Lying is in contradiction with law of nature. It will destroy his mind and body if someone engage his life by lying all the time to release his tension caused by the system that lying can only be covered by another lying and it should be over and over. People make a lying bacause he has no nerve to be responsible for what he has done or he intend to manipulate others to follow his will that is untrue. Thanks.
Lying. Secrets. My mayor lied. Under oath. He's now a convicted felon, losing his position as the Mayor, losing his law license; He's going to jail for 120 days, he has a one million dollar fine, and he lost his legacy as the youngest mayor for the city. Wow. I just lied about my age. I always said I was older than my real age. I guess it's better to keep it a secret.
You better stop lying before it hurts your integrity.
having been the `keeper of the secrets` for most of my life I can attest how detrimental this is. It creates a bond between you and the person who wants you to keep the secret thus creating an `us and them` mentality. The psychological effects are far more destructive than we are aware of.
In short what I do now is be open with the person. For example, recently someone told me something and asked me to keep it a secret. It`s difficult for a leopard to change its spots as they say, but I waded in and asked the person `Why are you telling me`? and went on to say that I am not willing to keep secrets. I haven`t heard from this person since, but I do not think that I have lost anything but rather gained something instead.
Regards to everyone
Advocating lying as a healthy exercise is just a way to feel better about being a liar.
Knowing you have lied to somebody has its own consequences on how it makes you feel too.
Take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts: Tell the truth!
Keeping a Secret doesn't mean to be Lie.Until a secret stay hided,one wouldn't be in a position to lie,just keep it secret.
Once something has been said in public ,you have been asked is it truth or not.
Then you should say truth!
I have some *Secrets*i don't want to say enybody and i am sure there are things you need to keep for yourself.
I keep a secret for a friend. Due to the secret, I don't really want her as a friend. So, this secret brought great pain. I don't want to have to be in a position to lie for her, so I stay away. So, a secret about a lie ruined a friendship, and revealed a character flaw. Maybe it's best I know now, rather than later. Anyway, I took a truth serum back when I was a little kid. It hasn't changed. Thank God.
Unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world and the people in it are not perfect either. So, secrets are just a part of life. There are hundreds of jobs that require you to learn information about people and their issues. Such as financial, medical and mental just to name a few. Revealing confidential information could cost their job.
And then we all have friends that love to talk and if they talk enough they will tell on themselves and let a secret slip out. A real friend would talk it out with them and give advise if needed.
If there is a moral issue involved and they won't change it may be time to part as friends. To talk about it to others is called gossip so, don't dump on your other friends. A perfect man can control his tongue. Strive for perfection.
Thank you all for waiting for me to finish my comment. It has been about twelve hours since I started it. Let me let you in on a secret why it took so long. I had to do my day job and check in on my parents.
Not all secrets are lies and mosts lies don't stay secret forever.
I know a lady that married her husband back in the 50's and she told him she was older than she really was. He was about 26 and in reality she looked like 18 but only about 14 at the time. He is in his 80's now and she will admit to being forty but, won't tell her real age to friends or family.
Is that living a lie? Or protecting her husband from looking like a pervert.
They have been married for 56 years now and enjoying each others company and are the best of friends. The rest of the story, She was born the daughter of an older man and when her dad died her mother kicked her out on the street so that she could marry another man. This young girl found a job and paid her own way for a year or two until meeting her husband.
So, now you know part of one of the secrets that I carry around. Is it a burden for me? NO, not really. I have kept her secret from her kids and didn't tell you her name so you don't know who she is. Her secret is safe with me.
Personally I think she should have a family meeting and tell her kids the whole truth and get it out in the open. Things were different back then and nobody would hold it against her.
The Truth will set you free.
As a counselor, I have learned the value of confidentiality in both personal and professional relationships. Keeping personal information private, when it is about oneself or another person is an important aspect of building trust and having healthy boundaries. Yet even on a professional level, there is a limit to it. If there is any question of safety or threat of emotional/physical safety involved re: the secret, it needs to be discussed and revealed appropriately. In close personal relationships, it is important to responsibly assess how holding a secret may be negatively impacting your bond with others, or whether the sharing of a secret/personal information may negatively impact others unneccessarily. Though the truth may come out...sometimes appropriate timing is an important aspect of moderating the impact. What is most important, is to address each issue with maturity, mindfulness and responsibility. If we all said what was on our minds at all times, all courtesy and respect would be lost. Maturity means that we choose our communications purposefully and mindfully. It also means that we carefully assess what needs to be shared and what needs to remain confidential...and that we choose whom to share our truth with. Not all persons have the capacity to carry the weight of all our truths. Choose wisely, whom you confide in, as our deepest secrets deserve to be treated with wisdom and respect.
I agree with Maggie. People trust me with their secrets. It doesn't bother me. I don't think about them. I have some experiences that no one but one knows about. She wants to know what I remember. I remember everything. I've told no one, because it is no one else's business--just ours. I don't lie. I tell everyone that I am lazy. I don't want to remember what is a lie. The truth is always easy to remember. Trust and truth go hand in hand. Liars have developed their lifelong habit. Many of them don't even realize all of the lies they are telling. Liars certainly don't keep secrets either. It's all about them.
I am a keeper of secrets, and I never make it a point to remember them. Whenever someone says, "Remember when I told you about "X" - I can honestly tell them "No" - the reason being that once they say they have a secret to tell me, I start thinking of other stuff I need to be doing, and throw in the occasional "ah huh," "oh, really?" "Wow!" lol
Keeping secrets probably isn't a good idea. Someone usually tells you something so you can help them. They are in your life at that moment for a reason.