Simpleology Blog

What you listen for determines what you get from your conversations.

Too often, we listen in a casual or unfocused way and come away with little. Most of the time, we find ourselves listening to our own thoughts and internal chatter instead of to what the person is saying.

Let's examine a few ways you can get more out of life by simply listening.

1. Listening for the greatness in others.
A characteristic that powerful people possess is the ability to empower others to be the best that they could be. This is the ability to see things in others what they do not yet see clearly in themselves while helping them recognize this potential and encouraging them to rise to the challenge. It's about seeing others as great without any attachment that they live up to your expectations.

We instead, typically listen with our own opinions and judgments already in place. Listening this way filters what is actually said and impacts what we are able to hear. How we see others--as powerful or ineffective, intelligent or slow-witted, insightful, or with little to contribute--has everything to do with what we get from conversations with them. When we hold others as great we empower them to become so. Getting the most out of others - our spouses, families, friends, co-workers, employees etc.--is made more likely if we consider them to have the potential to be greater than they see themselves.

2. Listening for what others might contribute to you.
If you enter into each conversation expecting to hear something of value you can utilize, you will likely come away with that very thing. While generating this listening is easy with someone you consider as powerful or insightful, it will require returning yourself to your commitment to listen with a positive expectation when his or her speaking does not reflect this power.

For example, if you typically listen to others in an impatient way--hurry up and get to the point--you will need to remind yourself of your commitment to stay present in a conversation with a slow and deliberate speaker. Remember, someone's style of speaking may have little to do with what you can garner from your conversation.

3. Listening for what is important to others:
By putting yourself in the other person's world and developing an appreciation for his or her values and concerns, it is much easier to understand why they think, speak, and act the way they do.

Misunderstandings that might have resulted in confrontation or lack of affinity are replaced with an empathy that allows for exploration of common ground. When you can hear the commitments of others, you act with a compassion that results from your interest in what it's like for them to be who they are.

4. Listening with something at stake.
What we get from a conversation is often a function of what we have at stake. To illustrate this point, contrast how you typically listen to pre-flight safety instructions given by a flight attendant before take off. If you are like the rest of us, you're probably not really paying attention to what is said. You're probably either reading or distracted, figuring the chances of the plane crashing are slim to none. Besides, you've heard it all so many times before!

Compare this to a situation where, half way through the flight, the attendant announces that the engines have failed and the plane is going down. With your life at stake, you listen to the instructions like you have never listened before. Your listening is directly related to what you are listening for.

To gain the maximum amount from every conversation, listen from the viewpoint that everyone has something to share that is of great value.

Your intent is to get it regardless of who the person is, how powerful you consider him to be, no matter what his style of speaking.

5. Listening for the good intentions of others.
Another valuable listening involves coming from the assumption that everyone operates from what they consider to be good intentions. I am NOT saying that this is necessarily true. It is simply an empowering interpretation to support you in your relationships. This can be particularly valuable when the evidence strongly suggests the contrary.

To further test the power of listening, do the following for the next 30 days: listen to empower others to realize their greatness and hear how they might contribute value to you. Moreover, remember that you must listen in order to appreciate other people's commitments and concerns so you can empathize with them and get to know their good intentions.

Dr. Joe Rubino is an internationally acclaimed personal development trainer and best-selling author of 11 internationally-acclaimed books. He is the creator of Self-Esteem System.com and CEO of The Center for Personal Reinvention, an organization that empowers people through personal and leadership development programs. As such, if you're on a quest to restore your self-esteem and find happiness, log on to Self Esteem System.com and get your free "7 Steps to Soaring Self-Esteem Audio Program" plus one-year free subscription to The Success Achievers' Club. For transformational life or business coaching, or to learn more about the author's other offers, visit The Center for Personal Reinvention

Credits: Photo by Vojko Kalan, courtesy of Public Domain Pictures.

Suggested Resource: Simpleology 101: The Simple Science of Getting What You Want. (Learn how to do the Daily Target Praxis, which will help you be more conscious about being productive each day.)